This week was eaten by the Spirit Tooth. I keep accidentally typing “Spirity”, but that might work.
- The Spirity Tooth, (not to be confused with “Tooth Spirit”) is a tooth I have that has decided to come out. It’s the one after the Wisdom tooth so I’ve been calling it the “Spirit Tooth”, because, as my friend says, I am now beyond Wisdom. Most people do not have them; we are supposed to have 8 teeth, counting from the front to the back, and I have an extra set, in top and bottom. Much like Spirituality, dealing with this Spirit Tooth has been extremely annoying and painful. I had a big infection, and it hurt so much I had to go to the dentist, who was shocked I hadn’t come because of the other dental problem I had since my accident in December (ie: my front teeth). I’ve been taking antibiotics and applying honey to the area. I was so sick on Saturday that they sent me home from work, which meant less money for this week. Speaking of which…
- Less money this week. On Saturday Spirit Toothache meant I left work a good 4 hours earlier, and on Sunday they sent me home because the coffee shop wasn’t busy enough. A breath for what is, especially when what is is unfair and plain annoying.
- Had coffee and banoffee pie with Tiny Friend on Saturday, which wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t left work, so that was good.
- Dealing with tons of emotional pain and general despair. Like this: cry, go to bed, wake up, cry, manage to have breakfast, cry and stare into space, feel better momentarily, have shower, nope, feel bad again, have nap, feel better momentarily. Up, down, up, down, all the time, while this river of pain and hopelessness runs through my subconscious. A breath for the lessons landing soon, and for the river to be done already.
- Friends got married… yesterday. Even though I wasn’t at the wedding, and said wedding took place in another country miles and miles away, I still managed to have a small panic attack at work. Luckily, the very grounding beautiful chef was there to calm me down. But seriously, everyone is fucking coupled, and I’m the only person I know who is fucking single and I am fucking sick and tired, and I’m using F words, which I don’t even like. Fuck this.
- Asking the Universe for guidance and not getting any. Feeling lost, praying, asking for help and nothing. Sometimes the only response I have is “fuck you, Universe”.
- Saw Indian Friend. I feel less alone. Sometimes I catch glimpses of how we all get hurt, and we all want the same things.
- Making pancakes. Listening to Charles Eisenstein’s “Transformational Weight Loss”. Enjoying the Sun (when it’s there). I tried making my own perfume, and it didn’t work. Started posting writing on Instagram (I’m @theMaryTracy), so go me. You know, life happens.
Moments of Insight
It occurred to me yesterday that perhaps the writing I do “in my head” at my our of need, is the writing that I wish I could read. And maybe, perhaps, it is the writing that would help other people when they are going through something similar.
And today I realised that what I want is to be able to tell my story without apologies. That is, I want to fully get that I have a right to tell my story, even if that story does not end with a trip around the world and a new partner. It is still a human story, and it is still worthy of being written and being “out there”, just because it is a story of human life and life is like this sometimes.
Sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes there is no end to the pain. Sometimes you are single and single and you don’t meet anyone. Sometimes you are broke for years (in my case over a decade). This is a human life too.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
- Even though this is a review for a movie, it does cover a lot of what so many people like me have to deal with, namely unemployment and underemployment, and the resulting feeling of uselessness and despair.
Yay, this log was easier to write.
And I am writing a gigantic post, that will hopefully put an “end” of sorts to a painful story of mine.
Yay for the miraculous healing powers of writing. *glows smile*