I am pretty sure that nothing happened this week. But maybe something did? Let’s log and find out.
- I’ve been trying to write a post for 2 weeks now. It is long, granted, but that’s not the reason for the delay. It’s because I am making peace with a big part of my story, and this is challenging. This post is stirring all kinds of things in my “internal” world.
- I applied to a “good job”, which took a lot of emotional energy. They didn’t get back to me, so there’s that, I applied and that in itself deserves all the points. Points to me!
- Hanging out with Indian Friend. Accessing a different perspective on things than the one I usually have, which leads to understandings. A breath for epiphanies and kindness.
- Set the wheels in motion for me and Super Friend to possibly do something amazing together. ALL THE POINTS TO ME!
- I got *all the things* done on Saturday. I went to the sale and got 2 tops, then went to fix glasses which had been broken since December, then made my natural body spray. A breath for getting things done on occasion.
- I worked at a wedding on Saturday, which was tough. Then finished late on Saturday and started early on Sunday, a recipe for disaster. Indeed, by midday I had a breakdown in the toilet. Luckily Indian Friend was there when I got back and offered nice food and a listening ear. I never get to experience being cared for and listened to when I’m in that state of “fuck everything, I no longer want to live”. Grateful for this, even if the experience was painful.
- Spending a lot of time reading and pondering Spiritual Truths. Perhaps in preparation for publishing the big post. Perhaps big changes are taking place under the surface. Who knows? Point is, I get points for doing something difficult, even if it doesn’t lead to “outside achievements”, the kind of thing our culture loves so much.
- Making pancakes. Listening to Charles Eisenstein’s “Transformational Weight Loss”. Enjoying the Sun (when it’s there). I tried making my own perfume, and it didn’t work. Started posting writing on Instagram (I’m @theMaryTracy), so go me. You know, life happens.
Moments of Insight
I don’t know if this counts as an insight, but I’m rolling with it.
I’m realizing that I need to “let go” and ease on my tendency to try and control everything.
Like, I used to think I could control the “externals” in my life, much like every other person on Earth, because that’s what the culture says.
Then life happened to me and I realized I cannot control any of the “externals”. So I read a bunch of spiritual stuff and adopted the belief I can control the “magical” stuff.
Except… that of course doesn’t work either.
Here, this explains it better:
Yet ultimately, the fact that there is much in life that we cannot control means that we may need a special boost, something our ego cannot provide, something our limited mind cannot conceive, something our frail will cannot effect. This is the assisting force of grace, the spiritual complement to effort. Something kicks in that is bigger than us and makes our path easier to tread.
Grace. I’ve been trying to force “Grace” into my life, out of sheer desperation at a life seemingly outside of my control.
I’m practicing now to put it to right by accepting what is and leaving the rest to the Universe.
Conversations with Imo (Imo-isms!)
Me: All I’m saying is, women want men an awful lot more than men want women.
Imo: *opens eyes wide, then looks away* Oh, Mary, I cannot even…
Ha! He’s now using my Internet meme line “I cannot even”, which I find hilarious.
And though he might be right in his assertion that men want women at least as much as women want men, I am in my stuff here and I cannot see it.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
- The Five Things We Cannot Change: and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them”, by David Richo. This man is seriously wise. he is also the author of the above quote.
Yay for another log logged. Points to me!
Also points for working with all my stuff, learning about spirituality and having the courage to show up again and again. This shiz ain’t easy, but I’m here, and I’m doing it.
NOTE: Me and Super Friend might be doing something pretty awesome soon. I recommend signing up to my newsletter to stay in the loop.