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Weekly Log #49: Cannot Even

My weekly ritual for looking at the week that was.

Weekly Log copy

Cannot even. I am still in “despondent state/life crisis” and I just cannot even.
But I’m here, so I’m logging.

  • Despondent State, also known as “I just cannot even with life”, is really challenging. I don’t feel like doing anything, and I am suffering tremendously. Like “I just don’t want to live anymore”. It’s astonishing that despite all the yoga and meditation, and my new found belief in re-incarnation, that thereby prevents me from committing suicide, the “suicidal feeling” is still there. I cannot wait for this incarnation to be over, and I keep feeling I am “done” and have nothing else to live for. A breath for trying to accept even this.
  • My Carpal tunnel syndrome is back. Haven’t had it for years, and now it’s back. Argh. I don’t understand why and I cannot even.
  • I made a purchase. I went from “OK, I’m going to get a thing to make my life easier” to “I will research said thing” to actually buying it, all within 24 hours. And it was a really expensive purchase, ie: £34! Wow. Just wow. Maybe progress happening somewhere.
  • Following what has been happening on Greece, because why not, I have no life to speak of. Getting outraged and enraged at the extent of social injustice, and I am even more frustrated by the fact that few people truly understand what is going on and I am one of them, though just about. If only the planet listened to me, but it doesn’t, and so I am miserable and the world keeps doing stupid things.
  • I went to the beach! And got in the sea! Even though it was past 7pm and rather cold! But the sea, dude, the sea! Proud face.
  • I made homemade pesto and it was the best. On a related note, I am beginning to worry about developing a mild food “issue”, since all the excitement in my life (which is very… insufficient) derives from food. A breath for what is.
  • Hanging out with Super Friend, making falafels, eating cheesecake, and sharing thoughts. The best.
  • Huge meltdown. It was seriously bad. I cried for what seemed like 2 days straight.

Moments of Insight

*silent retreat, as it is personal; it involved music, which is how I connect to meaning*

Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)

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Dear God, but this Log was hard to write.
I’m here. I am showing up. *takes deep breath and presses “publish”*