This week is a perfect example of why I started the Weekly Log.
If I look back at this week, my first instinct is to panic because “nothing got done”.
I have a strong pattern of measuring my life in terms of “achieving things”, so that “not achieving” = “not being worthy”, or even “not being alive”.
That’s my stuff, of course. I mean, I was alive during this week, even if “nothing got done”.
- Wanting to write… then not writing. Wanting to do things… then not doing. Processing all this. Too much struggle. Exhaustion from the struggle. A breath for release.
- Lost-ness. Confusion. Not knowing what to do. Self-doubt. A breath for peace.
- Coaching call with this wonderful woman. Gratitude and kindness.
- “Funk” unexpectedly lifted by way of work. Not wanting “work” to be so important as to determine whether I am in a funk or not, whether I am worthy or not. Wanting this pattern changed. A breath for patience.
- Noticing the changes that come from this Serious Pranayama Practice I’ve been doing. I’m super grateful for it; my daily opportunity to be with peace.
- Friends. Yay for friends.
- I’ve said this before, and I’m saying it again: I have people in my life who care about me even though I am a ball of failure and poverty. This in itself is amazing to me.
- I did something this week that I’ve been thinking about doing for 3 months. I don’t know how it happened, but it happened. (If only it was enough to convince my subconscious that yes, things do happen, even if they take a while…)
Moments of Insight
I chide myself daily (and hourly) for not being the image of perfection I think I *should* be; that is: blonde, beautiful, skinny, married to a gorgeous man, writer of best selling books and living in a house in the New York suburbs. ie: Elizabeth Gilbert.
Then it occurred to me… the Universe would have to be real stupid to come up with only a couple of “perfect” people (ie: Elizabeth Gilbert) and so many “flawed” people.
Surely if the Universe wanted all of us to be Elizabeth Gilbert, it would have made us all Elizabeth Gilbert. Right?
So the Universe must have made us the way we are because it wanted us to be the way we are.
The Universe could have made me “normal”, and beautiful and successful, and able to deal with life the way almost everyone deals with life…
But it didn’t.
And it might be because the Universe didn’t want me to be that way.
I’m going to try to shift my focus from “become Elizabeth Gilbert so that you are not a walking failure” to “healing and wholeness”.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
- The latest episode of “Insights at the Edge”, “Beryl Bender Birch: A Yogi in Love with Life”.On yoga and PTSD.
- Dear Life: How Do I Knock Down The Walls Cancer Has Built Around Me?. This article made me cry. On learning to love again after cancer.
We are all flawed and cracked, and it’s not easy to open up to others and show them our flaws and cracks.
Here’s to all of us finding someone who loves us *that much*.
- I’ve just discovered “Design Cuts”. Hopefully there will be pretty things coming from me soon.
Yay, I logged.
A wish and a prayer for things to get easier.