I just realised I’m pissed off.
I am actually pissed off about a lot of things, lately. Which can be incredibly frustrating, but also quite useful.
I am using my anger to get clear on things.
Here it is:
Nobody sees my brilliance
I am pissed off that nobody sees my brilliance…
That nobody has ever thought of me as destined for more than a middle-of-the-road job.
That nobody ever thought for one moment “Mary is destined for great things, Mary is a fantastic writer” or said to me “Mary, you should rock the world, keep doing what you’re doing”.
And this realisation came to me from seeing someone in a position of privilege and power support and mentor someone who started off more or less like me: an unknown (then) feminist blogger.
Here’s the thing: I asked for help. I asked someone in a position of relative privilege and power for help, and all I got was “well… you just gotta keep going”.
And now I am bitter and resentful and… just plain angry.
I feel tempted to play the race card here.
So I’ll do it… mindfully.
It’s as if people go around with ideas of what other people may “grow into”. And then they project that onto them. And people base these assumptions on their life experiences and their cultural programming and their patterns.
Their subconscious says “young talented white British person, yeah, I can totally see your brilliant future”. Or “young quirky brown person with an accent, from a Third World country? Nah, the best you can hope for is a middle-of-the-road job in an office, and be content with that”.
It is an honour to hold space for others
I’m gonna bring a Brene Brown-ism. And change the context…
“It’s an honour to hold space for me when I’m in shame”.
I would say that it’s an honour to hold space for me when I’m in a place of vulnerability.
When I ask for help, or advice, or guidance. When I am feeling scared, lost, confused.
When I am opening up to the possibility of thinking differently.
My God, can we take a moment to acknowledge just how scary that is?
Asking for help essentially means “I am wanting more from life than I am currently experiencing. I am actively dreaming for more. Would you help me with my dream?”.
HOW FUCKING TERRIFYING IS THAT?!?!
It is an honour to hold space for people when they are vulnerable. When they are standing at the door of “Wanting More” or “Dreaming More”.
It is an honour to hold space for people who are changing their story.
It is a magical moment where people are on the verge of entering a new story, a new system of beliefs.
People are on the verge of growing and expanding. Unfolding their soul journey.
They are asking for guidance. For light. For encouragement.
In short, they are asking for belief.
They are saying “I can’t believe in this dream on my own, would you help me?”.
And at this point, some people are so in their stuff and in their projections that they can only manage “nah, sorry, I cannot believe awesome things for you, I cannot hold that space, all I can manage is hope that you arrive at “good enough”; good luck, though”.
Believe the best for everyone
I want to live in a different world, a different story. I want to live in a world where people are cheering you on, where love and encouragement are everywhere. Where everyone wants everyone to “make it”, to live their dreams, to go as far in life as they want to go.
This is what I’m going to practice: believe the absolute best for everyone.
Every single person.
I am going to consciously stretch the limits of what I think is possible for all of us.
And that will also stretch the limits of what I think is possible for myself.
I am also going to give my energy only to people who think I’m amazing. And who can envision wonderful things for me.
These are the people I want in my life.
And these are the people I want to write and create for. The people I want to serve and help.
I want to be magic for these people.
To hold the space of “wonderful things are possible for you, and I am going to help you, and I’ll start off by believing you are worthy of them”.
One last thing: Here be Imo’s words for me.
“I believe you are amazing and you are going to change the world, and you have no time to waste on arseholes who can’t see that”.
I love him.