This log is beyond late, due to reasons, but it needs to be logged, so we’re here.
A breath for being here.
- Still sad about [Experience]. Yes, still. “How is it possible?”, you ask, “to be sad for this long”, and the answer is “Well! I Feel Strongly!”. That’s the thing, I feel strongly, about everything, and it’s so challenging, which is why I stayed away from [Experience] for so long. A breath for being who I am, for letting myself feel and be the way I am, in the face of a culture that tells me it’s not OK to be this way, and feel this much.
- Learning so much from working with my “stuff”, brought to the surface courtesy of [Experience]. A breath for the challenges of sticking with presence, and doing the work, to see myself through it all, and grow in the process.
- Toothache. It’s back. After a solid month of not being there, it’s back, and I’m worried. It shouldn’t be there, not after last treatment. I don’t know what to do, and I’m scared. A breath for this.
- New project, closer to what I really want to do for a living. It appears to be going well, but I don’t want to say too much about it, not yet. Just noting that this is a thing that is happening.
- Moved a whole bunch of stuff (literal stuff) to my new house yesterday. It’s amazing to me that an experience of this magnitude would have taken me days and days of “processing”, pages and pages of self-talk “work” and now, it’s all done in a matter of “yo, how about today”. I have a tendency to minimise the emotional effects of Big Things (because I Feel Strongly, and the world taught me that I shouldn’t) so I am being extra mindful of not falling into the pattern of “it’s no big deal”. It’s not as big a deal as it used to be, but it is still a big deal, involving all kinds of readjustments. A breath for staying present, and then some, and holding all of it.
- Saw all the friends yesterday. It was a day of friends. Grateful for friends, who offer support and then bring up all your stuff, because that’s how life works and that’s how human relationships work. A breath for friends.
- Discovering awesome music, at work, of all places. Dancing to Sleeping Beauty behind the bar. Because my love for music knows no bounds.
This is something I said to Imo today, it just came up, and it was so hilarious I have to share it with you:
“Soulmates are like Sexism: it’s hard to believe it exists if you haven’t experience it first hand”.
Moments of Insight
I have been having all kinds of Big realisations since [Experience], but this week’s main one was on the true nature of intuition.
Intuition is a relationship. It’s not a “signpost”.
It doesn’t say “this is the Thing, here it is, you’re done now, you got it right forever, no more need to check in with your intuition ever again”.
When you follow your intuition you don’t get “some place” and you’re done. You only get more intuition.
You never stop listening to your intuition. You are never “done”.
Also, I don’t believe that “yoga/self-help” idea that “if you follow your intuition you will get whatever you want”. It’s not that simple. As Pema Chodron says “there’s no “if, then”“.
If you follow your intuition you might still get things wrong (shocker! getting things wrong!!! We’ve only had a lifetime of practice, being human and all, and it always comes as a surprise!)
The point of following your intuition is to be in relationship with the present moment, which is another way of saying “being fully alive”.
You are also pretty much guaranteed less regrets. Regrets come from not being present in the present. If you follow your intuition and things don’t work out, you might be sad (I am!!!) but you won’t say “I wish I had done things differently” because, duh, you followed your intuition.
If you follow your intuition you are guaranteed peace with your choices.
But that’s it.
Nothing can save you from the pain of life being… painful, sometimes.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
- “9 Ways to Practice Self-Compassion When You Have Depression”. This might be a small step in the right direction.
- “Lemony Snicket: the trouble with being interested in classical music is that people look at you funny”. My two loves: Lemony Snicket and classical music! Also, please check out his book “The Composer is Dead”. Hilarious, quality stuff.
This log took ages, as logs sometimes do, but it is done and logged.
Here’s a prayer for my toothache to be resolved, for the pain to be released into the Universe.
And here’s another prayer:
May we be safe.
May we be peaceful.
May we be healthy.
May we live with ease and wellbeing.