This week was a rather OK week, but then I embarked myself on “The Aphrodite Training” and I’ve had a couple of hard days.
- “The Aphrodite Training”, run by Marianne Williamson, is kicking my entire arse. It’s all about the “Divine Feminine”, which, as a Recovering Feminist, does NOT feel comfortable at all. I go into rage and sadness; it looks like this: “Is this why I”m single? Because I’m too masculine? And how on Earth do I respect a man’s thoughts if I am smarter than all of them? I’ll never find love at this rate. It’s all because I’m not pretty enough”. On and on runs the drama in my head. Except with a whole lot more fury.
- I need to learn how to do “this”. By this I mean, I need to learn how to work with my stuff without attaching to an outcome. Why? Because the second I attach my inner work to an outcome, things begin to look like this: “I’m doing all this work, whyyyyy and I still single?!?!? What is wrong with me?!?!?”. Attaching my inner work to an outcome means accepting that “doing this inner work leads inevitably to having this thing”, which also means “not having this thing must mean you are not done with this inner work”. Which also means “if other people have this thing, it must mean that they are further ahead than you on this inner work path”. And these ideas are simply false. More than false, they are bullshit. “Do not believe the bullshit”, as Wise Me says. Life is never that simple, because of this little thing called “Universe”, which doesn’t work according to human logic.
- Had unexpected dinner with Coupled Friends. I am forever amazed at their capacity to never lose their marbles, not even a little bit.
- Went to pub with Tiny Friend to watch Argentina vs Australia. Did not enjoy watching Australia win, or the fish & chips I ordered, come to think of it. But I did enjoy hanging out with friends, who are awesome.
- Writing continues to be very on and off. Why can’t I just have inspiration coupled with writing, and then rest and do nothing? A breath for the frustrating reality of being someone with lots of thoughts who wants to create beautiful things with them.
- Ekhart Yoga continues to be amazing. So glad I’ve got the subscription. It makes all the difference when I really cannot be bothered with doing yoga, and all I have to do is choose a video.
- I did feel a couple of moments of joy this week, at not particularly memorable moments. A breath for joy, and how awesome it is when it’s present for no reason whatsoever.
- My Second Chakra is all over the place, and I don’t know what to do, but I’m noticing it’s happening and I’m trying to glow love and acceptance.
Moments of Insight
This isn’t an “Insight” per se, but it is important.
Friends. Friends are important. I am in awe at how supportive they are sometimes. My friends are understanding and accepting of all my madness and neurosis, which is something I never experienced growing up. They don’t seem to mind at all that I am all kinds of insane, and have no idea what I’m doing, and I’m also permanently broke and whining about not having a man.
They believe in me. Which is something I have trouble wrapping my mind around.
If I am having a bad day, I can go to my friend, who understands that I am just having a bad day, and it’s not a temporary feature of my Human Form.
Whenever I had a bad day as a child, my parents would say “you’re always feeling bad”. Self-fulfilling prophecies and all, the point is, I grew up believing that having a bad day meant that I always had bad days.
When I go to my friend with a “bad day”, she sees is merely as “one bad day”. And in doing so, she is believing in me, holding the blueprint for the “non bad days” to come around.
Much like when my friends tell me that I won’t be single forever.
Believing in others is such a wonderful thing.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
This log was rather easy, and it also contains some really good thoughts. I’m happy about that.
Here’s to remembering that not everything sucks all the time, and that there are tiny pin pricks of joy on occasion.