Right now, I feel super anxious.
And I’m finding it hard to remember anything good that may have happened ever.
I am also experiencing super anxiety over the whole “The Year is Ending and Nothing Good Happened This Year, I Can’t Go On!!!”.
That’s where I am and it’s OK. It has to be, because it’s where I am.
It’s logging time.
So let’s log.
- Day j-o-b. There was a lot of day j-o-b this week.
- All the stuff is being triggered by the whole “end of year” thing, the idea of “goals” and “wishes”. Having to face another year of “no dreams came true this year… again”. A breath for the pain.
- Friends. Seriously, friends. No, really, friends. I don’t know what I would do without them. I can’t really say that they are the *only* source of love, support and brightness in my otherwise very lonely and very bleak existence. But they are definitely the brightest source.
- Serious Pranayama Practice still going, results are less and less impressive. Now that it’s becoming “a habit”, the effects are almost unnoticeable.
- Money fears. I cannot imagine a point where there are no money fears anymore. A breath for breaths.
- In fact, I can’t imagine “dreaming” anymore. A breath for strength that I can’t imagine having, and sweetness I can’t imagine possible.
- Tax situation possibly resolved, maybe. A breath for a tiny amount of gratitude.
- More yoga. Even though it’s not a regular thing, it’s still pretty awesome when it happens.
Moments of Insight
If the universe gives you a beautiful thing… Why would you destroy it, tear it apart completely?
And all because you can’t bear the… beauty. The innocence. The sweetness.
It’s too much. It triggers all your stuff. All your pain.
And so… You destroy it. Break it. Tear it apart.
I’ve come to understand that the challenge is to stare at the horror while believing in beauty. Stare at pain while believing in peace.
Right there in that moment when you feel like giving up, like accepting that humanity is irredeemably broken. When you are standing on that age, right on the verge of thinking “men are rotten beyond all hope”, right there on that moment, facing the evidence of men’s intrinsic rottenness. You look at that evidence and you bring back into your mind the belief in humans basic goodness.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
“Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”
Pema Chodron, “When Things Fall Apart”.
I guess it was a much harder week than I thought.
If I could wish for something (which I can’t do right now, due to No Dreams Came True), I would wish for things to get easier and sweeter.