This week was all about the “come down”
No, it wasn’t a “dream-like” come down. It was actually pretty Hellish.
It was the “come down” from the Big Dream, The Grandest Wish.
Last week emotions were running super high. I felt lots of things.
This week, it was all over. Nothing happened, and I stopped “feeling” that something was about to happen.
I now feel empty. And sad.
The Grandest Wish feels now less… “magical” and less “possible”. It seems I spent too long in the land of wishes, and it all went sort of sour in the end. Right now, it is less “present” in my mind and heart.
- Saw S on Saturday. And had iced coffee!
And guess what! She told me all about her recent “Life Event”, and I wasn’t in my stuff!
That is, her recent Life Event is something I have been wanting for myself for years, something I actively want about a billion times a day, something I have all the stuff about due to terrible past experiences… And I was there, listening to her, and being happy for her, and I didn’t think about myself and my (lack of Life Event in years) not once! I wasn’t in my stuff not once! This is virtually unheard of. And I’m giving myself all the points.
- I got a blouse.
My intuition kept insisting on it. Part of the whole “We need to be ready for The Grandest Wish, should it come true”. (Clearly this was before the “come down”)
It’s so similar to the one my intuition kept bringing up in my mind. And now I have it.
Even if it meant sobbing for quite a while in the fitting rooms because “ow, I am so ugly and OW, my face is so hideous, who would ever love me”.
- Tuesday. Met with V!
Got triggered by a comment, the whole “I’ll never fit anywhere, I am a square peg, forever an outsider, life is so hard, and all because I cannot fit in”.
All the triggers around “I have no life”. “My life doesn’t look like *that* and I am sad and I want it to look like that and it doesn’t and so it feels like I have no life”.
So tired. Tired of wanting and waiting. Tired, tired, tired.
Feeling like the Universe betrayed me. As in “I go through all the torturous feelings of wishing and “opening myself up to the possibility of having” and then I don’t get anything?! I HATE YOU!!!”.
So of course, this was the start of the Meltdown, brought to you by the Come Down from the most awesome dream…
- Wednesday… huge meltdown in the morning. Huge!
Ended up writing a sort-of important thing on the whole “being poor, single and unpopular”. (still thinking about publishing it)
Then… outdoor picnic with V and H. By the sea. In the evening. Crazy! But fun.
- Thursday: lots of realisations about “being single” (post coming up!)
- Body worries: resolved!
My heart issues (aka: trouble breathing) had to do with needing to drink more water, apparently.
Who would have thunk it?!
- Friday: Sudden end of Quiet. With a bang! (Because clearly that’s how I roll…)
Moments of Insight
- When I’m tired, or under any kind of “stress” (emotional included), I have no boundaries.
For instance, I see a billboard for (movie about male teenagers) and it triggers my stuff (ie: I rage at the world).
Essentially I get angry at everyone and everything. (which is fitting, since anger is there to help us establish boundaries).
- I care about how people “respond to me”
I have come across the question “what would you do if you didn’t care about what people think about you?” and I have always been like… “meh”.
This question doesn’t make me think. Like, at all.
But when the question is asked “what would you do if you didn’t care how people respond to you?” suddenly there’s… “Oh”.
Now it makes more sense. I notice how I definitely want people to think I’m an authority, an expert, a rockstar. I want them to respond in awe because “I’m so awesome and glamorous and I have it all figured out”. I want them to think that my words and ideas are awesome because “since finding yoga, everything has been magical and wonderful and I now have a thriving, thrilling life.”
When in fact… bullshit. I don’t have it all magical and wonderful. In fact, it’s all rather messy and crappy.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
This week’s “Un-missables” are rather… unusual.
- Hotel Transylvania
- Despicable Me 2
Yes, I am recommending animated movies. They are hilarious and light-hearted and sometimes they are precisely the thing you need when you’re looking for a spark of joy.
That was my week.
And I am here. *takes deep breath*
I’m wishing you a spark of joy or two.