Personal Practice

Weekly Log #1: Indecipherable Omens

My weekly ritual for looking at my the week that was.

Weekly Log copy

 
It’s the first ever Weekly Log… *takes deep breaths*
Let’s do this.
I have my tea and I’m pretending it’s rum, and I’m drinking it with all the swagger of Captain Barbossa.

(My monsters wish to say that “nothing happened this week, because nothing ever happens in my life ever, and I’m a useless thing with no life”.)

 

Now that *that* is out of the way…

A week of “Indecipherable Omens”

I kept getting omens. Not an overwhelming amount, but enough to make me keep The Grandest Wish close to my heart.

On Sunday, this lady handed me an “omen”. OK, I said. Not gonna say no to a nice omen.
Then Tuesday, on my facebook feed. (The T word, and the Air)
Then Wednesday. (ALL THE Ts!!!!)
Then later that day!!! (The S word! And the Air!!!)

I could interpret the omens to mean that “it must be about to happen”. And yes, that has been the main interpretation…
I suppose I should be excited. But I’m not. I’m actually terrified.

I’m positively terrified that nothing will happen and all my monsters will be right. The monsters which say “you are a hopelessly deluded nutcase who believes in fairy tales and other impossible things, nothing will happen and you will be broken-hearted and we will have told you so, because nothing good ever happens and the Universe hates you”.
So… there was that.

  • The Quiet. There was an awful lot of Quiet this week, and I did not like it.

I’m learning how to relax in the “Quiet”, but it is difficult.
Also: the worries that come from the Quiet. Serious fears.

  • On Sunday I did a hard thing. I had been meaning to do it for months, and I finally did it.

And it flopped. It was a Serious Failure.
And on Monday I did 2 Hard Things.

So of course, Tuesday was kinda fall apart day, aka: “there’s no point” day, and “fall apart” day.
And it took a while to link the feeling horrible with the Sunday failure and the Monday failure… (Oh, Hi, pattern of “pretending that nothing has happened and there is no pain”. Fancy seeing you here.)

  • No, really. The Sunday Serious Failure was a big thing. I mean, I felt so in “alignment” with my “intuition” while I was doing it and then it flopped. Flopped! Why?!?! Anger over persistent flop-ness.
  • I did Super Seriously Hard Things on Monday and Wednesday. Tired of having to do Super Seriously Hard Things and wishing things were different already.
  • So Much Wishing. Wishing until it breaks my heart. Wishing everything was different.
  • The Grandest Wish. It got wished a lot this week.

On the plus side, I get to fully experience the realisation “wowsers, the wound is really healing, isn’t it? It’s almost closed now”.

  • Body worries

Trouble breathing. I don’t know why, but it’s possible it’s related to the heat.
My throat is hurty. No idea why.
My appetite is shrinking. Inexplicable.

  • I got ignored on 3 different occasions this week.

 
I pitched a seriously important piece on depression to 2 online publications, and I heard nothing from either. Anger! Disappointment! Frustration! Monsters telling me “you suck, we told you so!”. Argh!!!
Plus, I applied to Thing on Tuesday. And heard nothing. I called, twice, and got no answer. WTF?!?

  • It’s Summer!!! It’s sunny and hot, and I have nothing to do, nowhere to go, holidays are impossible, and The Grandest Wish is not a reality! Sadness for things not being what I wish they were.
  • Feeling lonely. Sadness about feeling “I’m getting old, and nobody will ever love me, and nothing good will ever happen because I’m too old for nice things!”.
  • Feeling jealousy. Other people “Haves” and I don’t!

Moments of Insight

We were discussing with Imo (my imaginary friend) the whole “I’m not blonde and beautiful thing”, for the upzillionth time. And I suddenly realised: “Of course! It’s because of the fear/anxiety that I am not enough of a woman if I’m not blonde and beautiful! That because I’m brown-ish and dark-haired, I am not as much a woman as blonde women!”.

To which I say: Duh! This is me. Mary Tracy. Expert in Feminism and all matters political. I have listened to Sojourner Truth’s “Ain’t I a Woman” poem so many times, I remember bits of it by heart.

But, as we know, “working with your stuff” is not the same as “political knowledge”. And the pennies don’t drop in the same way…

Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)

Turns out you can use depression to grow. Of course you can.

Woah! Seriously awesome stuff on that tricky topic known as “sex”. Full o’ wisdom.

Actually, I’ve been reading a lot about sex lately… I may be getting ready to even *gasp!* write about it.

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Woah. That’s it.

Actually, this experience has proved very interesting. It has made me go through my week with more awareness. Tiny yay.

And all the points for me for doing something that scared me so much!

Note: I’ve been playing a lot on the Widdershins Facebook page lately. Here’s the link, if you want to join me.