The other day, after a particularly… “eventful” interaction with my family over the phone, I found myself immersed in a whole lot of “stuff”.
Or rather… After a few days of going around gritting my teeth and running internal conversations with my imaginary monster about *all the anxiety*, I finally sat down and took a look at my “stuff”. And I had to acknowledge where it had come from… My last conversation with my family. Of course.
So. Me and my stuff. Interacting.
You know, it would be easier to just assume that after every interaction with my family I’m going to have to re establish my boundaries. It would save lots of “second guessing” time.
Theirs: anxiety over the state of my life. Their anxiety.
Mine: my anxiety over the state of my life. My anxiety.
Theirs: their perception that I’m going nowhere but DOOM
Mine: my perception that I’m going nowhere but DOOM
Theirs: their perception that the logical solution would be for me to go back
Mine: my reaction to their suggestion that I go back Mine: my insecurity over whether going back would be the best thing to do. My insecurity. MINE!
Wait… Am I getting possessive around my feeling?
YES. MY INSECURITY. MINE.
Which means… MY CHOICE HOW I WANT TO DEAL WITH MY OWN INSECURITY.
Much like… my choice how I handle my emotions. My choice what I do with my life.
My choice. My emotions. My stuff. ALL MINE.
AND BACK OF EVERYONE WHO TRIES TO USE MY INSECURITY TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO DO.
THIS IS IT. THIS IS IT!!!
How long have people been using my own emotions to get me to do whatever they want me to do???
And has this happened because I would have super strong emotions and didn’t know how to handle them, which meant I would “trust” or rather… “take in” other people’s “solutions” to how I deal with my own emotions…
WHICH IS ABUSIVE! It’s abusive behaviour! Think about it: someone has a feeling, you tell them where the feeling comes from and what causes it, then you direct their actions to change the way they feel.
Only *I* can feel my feelings, only *I* can find out where my feeling comes from and what causes it and only *I* can take action (or not) over my feeling.
Watch the penny drop…
I talk kind of a lot about acknowledging your pain, but the more I think about it, the more important it seems to be.
For… oh, just about my whole life, I did not acknowledge my pain. I was so caught up in the “pressure to conform”, so desperate to be “normal” and “happy” and “not depressed”, that I denied ALL my pain.
I would not acknowledge it. Which made me very vulnerable…
Because other people would acknowledge it, and take it upon themselves to “make it go away”.
Me, experiencing pain and anxiety. Me, not acknowledging either, pretending they aren’t there. Me, never, ever saying to myself “of course it makes sense that I should feel pain and anxiety”. Because no pain was legitimate.
Enter my Mum. She would take one look at my pain, assume it had something to do with “not doing my homework” and direct me to do my homework. ‘Cuz that would surely make it go away…
I grew up believing I did not have a right to feel pain, to not want things, to be unhappy about stuff.
Because of my depression, and my permanent state of misery, I was expected to store all pain away. All of it was “irrational”.
I couldn’t trust my emotions… And I unconsciously accepted that other people would look at them and tell me what to do to manage them.
It’s abusive behaviour
A kind of “emotional manipulation”. Little wonder I ended up in so many abusive relationships…
Back to you
If you suffer from a mental illness like depression and anxiety, then effectively the entire world is “judging” your pain. And finding it “irrational”.
Give yourself permission to tell the world to BACK OFF. Own your stuff. Nobody has a right to define your experience for you. It’s your emotional world.