Weekly Log copy

Weekly Log #63: I’m Sorry, But I Don’t Believe I Can Even

My weekly ritual for looking at the week that was.

Weekly Log copy

I appear to be unable to even lately.
So… I just can’t even. Which is why I’m logging so late.
But my heart is beating, and I am still breathing, so there must be a purpose for my existence somewhere…
And it’s logging time.

  • Today I went to close the Widdershins bank account. It was costing me £10 a month, which is a lot of money, considering that my “business” (HA!) makes no money at all (as in zippo). This has affected me deeply. I knew it would, but man, has it affected me. I am in an extremely cynical place that borders on “insanity” and “self-destructiveness”. No fun. I’m staying present and all, but I’m finding it hard to cope at the moment. Grieving like a mother****** (and I never swear, but that’s just how I feel)
  • Work and more work. Blah. It’s the same every week, so I don’t know why I bother mentioning it, but there it is.
  • Indian Friend came to visit this weekend, and him and Tiny Friend and I had dinner together. I am grateful for friends; and I am also mindful of how things don’t always go the way I want, and how I feel the impulse to apologise for it, somehow.
  • Lost my marbles at work. Like, I had it. It went along like this: “I am done with serving coffee and cake to men who are just coming to the counter to buy their girlfriends coffee and cake. Like, they come together, and the girlfriend just sits down while the man goes to get the coffee and cake and brings them over to her, and I’m just serving it all and WHY IS IT NEVER FUCKING ME!!!“. Also, my intuition, why can’t it work for MY benefit, rather than “triggering my stuff”? This man came to the counter to order a meal. One meal. One man orders one meal, and I just *knew* he was buying it for his girlfriend. How did I know? I DON’T KNOW, BUT I DID, AND I WAS RIGHT. And why can’t my intuition work FOR ME???. Seriously, my meltdown got so bad that the Adorable Chef offered me a hug, but I was too far gone and said “NO! GO AWAY!”, a phrase which here meant: “if you hug me, I’ll burst into tears”. Yes, I was on my period but that’s not the point. I reach a stage where all the “self-love” and “self-care” isn’t enough, and I need to be f*cking “cared for”, and it never happens because single and I lose it.
  • Teeth worries. I’ve been having teeth worries since January, but this week they were really intense.
  • It’s cold. The weather is cold and I don’t like it.
  • Skyping with Super Friend today. It totally saved me, she’s the light of my life. I didn’t know at the time that the “bank account grieving” would be so darn intense, and it made me extra grateful for having had encouragement and support and warmth in the morning.

Moments of Insight-ish

I don’t know if this counts for much, but I am going with it, because it’s the closest thing to an “insight” I’ve had in a while. (I’ve probably been having insights, they have just been really quiet).

It just occurred to me, and I do mean “just”, since I had a meltdown in the middle of writing this log, that “wanting to be saved” is the other side of “wanting to be perfect enough”. Or perhaps not the other “side” but an alternative form.

Like, I go around wanting to be “saved” by a Partner, saved from a difficult life, and a love-less existence. And I also go around believing I am not “good enough” for love, or for wonderful things.

I would like to make space for all this, because I don’t want to cling to the story, so common in the “self-help world” that “you have to overcome your issues in order to find love”. This is BS, it is an excuse, it is non-truth. None of us are in control of “when” or “how” we find “love”, it can literally happen to anyone at any moment and in any form.
And it is not some kind of “reward” for good “inner work behaviour”.

I get that the whole “wanting to be saved” deal is unhealthy. AND that’s where I am right now, so it has to be OK.
I get that the whole “I am not good enough of love” is unhealthy. AND that’s where I am right now, so it has to be OK.

And I want none of this to be completely unrelated to my “not being with Partner’.
I am not going to be the self-helper with the “neat and tidy” story that goes: “I worked on my stuff and I instantly found Bob”.
Nothing wrong with working on your stuff, or finding Bob, but one doesn’t necessarily follow the other. Life is messy.

I want for life to be “messy”. Because the alternative has me believing that *my* life is messy because I am a slob (which I am, but that’s not the point). Some people work on their stuff and find love, some people work on their stuff and don’t find love. And if one lead to the other, we would have solved a good chunk of the world’s problems.
But it’s never that simple.

Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)

  • Check out this story, “Do You Believe In Mother?”. It’s seriously eye opening, and it reminds me that if we weren’t a patriarchal society, and we gave the metaphor of childbirth the place it rightfully deserves in our consciousness and our culture, we would understand life a whole lot more.

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I don’t know how this log got logged, in view of my present emotional state, but hooray for another log logged.

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