Weekly Log copy

Weekly Log #58: Deeply Hidden Stuff

My weekly ritual for looking at the week that was.

Weekly Log copy

I’ve been feeling Quiet Joy all week… and also, I’m aware of some Deeply Hidden Stuff underneath my Quiet Joy. Yesterday it bubbled up to the surface; I sobbed and sobbed and couldn’t stop, so I’m logging today.

  • I’ve had back ache through most of this week. It got so bad I couldn’t sleep at night and had to take painkillers, which I almost never do. I also had neck ache, and got burn over and over again. Everything seems to indicate this is Third Chakra related, but knowing that doesn’t really help in getting to the root of it. A breath for patience.
  • My writing, it’s just not happening. I am not creating anything, and I haven’t created anything in a long, long time. This makes me unbearably sad. I’m in that Hell reserved for writers who aren’t writing. All I want is to express myself, do my thing and connect with the world, but it’s just not happening. That said, I have started exploring my relationship “with” writing, and seeing it as a relationship between equals, which is interesting. A breath for what is.
  • I continue to feel Quiet Joy, all the time. It’s astonishing. If someone had told me that I would be living the life I’m living, and that I would be mostly joyful most of the time, I wouldn’t have believed it. Nothing “external” has changed, and yet I am Quietly Joyful. I’m even genuinely happy to greet customers, most of the time, which has never, ever happened before. It’s not that I’m not… appreciative of this, I am. Going through life Quietly Joyful definitely beats going through life Mildly-to-Extremely Depressed. It’s just that there’s this Deeply Hidden Stuff, an underground river of hurt, and I don’t know how to interact with it. A breath for learning how to be this person who is simultaneously Quietly Joyful and who wants… “more”.
  • I suspect Deeply Hidden Stuff is related to this: I want more. I have lost touch with my “wants” and “dreams”, because I’ve been through the Hardest Winter of my life, and an accident, and over a year of “Losing Hope”. It got to the point where I couldn’t tell what I wanted anymore. (And yes, it is extremely difficult to live like this, completely disconnected from my wants). My wants and dreams have felt impossible for so long, I’ve just moved into “accepting what is”. I practice “acceptance” and “relaxing into what is” and “letting go of how I think things should be” and I am happier for it. AND. There are still wants, and I am afraid of acknowledging them, and hopelessly clueless as to how they could come true.
  • Day job. So much Day Job. Not only that, but things are actually better at the Day Job. I am grateful for this, and also… confused. A breath for waiting for the realisations to land. I also don’t want changes in the Day Job to matter. I don’t want to be “bamboozled” by this. A breath for grounding.
  • Ever so grateful for Super Friend, who was supportive yesterday when my Deeply Hidden Stuff came to the surface and I couldn’t stop sobbing.
  • The change in weather is proving… disorienting. All of a sudden it’s Autumn. A breath for adjusting to changes.
  • The Widdershins address is no more, and this makes me sad. I spent the equivalent of a new Mac computer just in keeping that address, because I thought Widdershins was going to be a business and it needed a real address. But things have turned out rather differently, and the address served no purpose, while being very expensive. A breath for grief, and for things not going the way I thought they would.
  • I’m no longer thinking about Love, Romance, Finding Mr Soulmate. On the one hand, this means peace. On the other, it’s bringing up fear. I feel… “closed” to the possibility of it ever happening. A breath for the fear, and for the realisations.

Moments of Insight

I had this… insight, while I was washing dishes at the Day Job. I realised that this was it, accepting my job and where I am, and how being OK with this has brought me peace and joy I never thought possible.

I also realised that though the journey has been Hell on a stick, I wouldn’t want to give away the lessons learned.

That was the insight… not so sure now if I believe in it anymore, though I suppose that’s how insights always work.

Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)

(not many Un-missables this week, because I still haven’t found a way for Safari to keep my tabs open in the next session.)

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I am OK, I just… want more.
Here’s a wish for letting the “wanting of more” to be legitimate.

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