Weekly Log copy

Weekly Log #30: Falling Apart

My weekly ritual for looking at the week that was.

Weekly Log copy

This week I fell apart.
I thought I would not be able to log at all.
I even thought, for a split second, that I would not be able to “make it”…
But I am here now, and even though “nothing has changed”, I feel better.
To the point I can actually log.

  • SO much anxiety in my body. I cannot even. A breath for ease.
  • Meeting a deadline and working really hard on something. Yay. Said something not delivering the results I hoped for. Boo. Further proof that “following your intuition” doesn’t always lead you to the “winning place”, whatever that may be.
  • Saw Super Friend twice and I have no words to describe what a respite it was from the difficult situation I’ve been in.
  • I got my BORK! I got my BORK!!! It made me so happy :) And I started a new book on fairy tales and magic. Bringing in as much magic as possible.
  • I went to a party… And on the way back I fell apart Big Time. I’m going through some big changes in the way I interact with other people, and they are challenging and scary.
  • The sense that “everyone else is moving on with their lives” and I’m not? Yeah. That.
  • I am beyond lost. I am truly in “liminal space”. Like… “eh… what are we doing then?”. “Challenging” doesn’t begin to cover it.
  • The feeling that I’ve been stripped clear of everything in my life, down to my very bones. And it keeps on going, seemingly with no end in sight.
  • Needing help and support. Not being able to ask for help and support. Nobody quite getting just how much help and support I need because they have never been in a similar situation and think that “their hard times” are similar to “my hard times”, and I can therefore do as they did. Except they all got help and support. Duh.

Moments of Insight

Beginning to understand that old cliche that it’s not what happens to us that hurts but rather the story we tell ourselves about it.

What happens to us is a stand in for some kind of belief. What happens to us is a “proxy”.
And it’s the belief that hurts.

Sure, extreme poverty and insecurity are painful. But that’s not what hurts me the most.
Is that these things validate the story of “I am clearly worthless and I will never accomplish anything because I have failed at everything in my life so far”.
And it’s that story that is painful because, if nothing else, it presents no future.

Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)

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I truly don’t know how I survived this week.

But I am here. And I logged.
For 30 weeks straight.

*wishes for blessings and miracles*