It’s Friday, and that means we are logging in. *takes deep breaths*
This week was full of “Single Days”
These are the PMS days, when I am acutely aware of how single my “single” actually is. That is: very. These are the days when I am not just “single” but “Oh-So-Very-Single”.
They are… challenging.
I am positive that if one can survive PMS while single, one can survive *anything*.
This week had plenty of “Tunnel”
The “Tunnel” is what happens when I spend day after day in a “depression-like state”. The days merge, my memory goes fuzzy and I can’t focus on anything. All my energy is spent on: despairing and coping with the despairing.
Yes, I wish I was never in the “Tunnel”. But sometimes I am, and I have to cope.
It’s one of the reasons why I started the Weekly Log: because I want to get better at tracking when these days of “Tunnel” happen, and what happens when I am in them. Because it’s not, as I am inclined to say, “all despair”. That’s the Tunnel speaking, colouring everything as “despair”. When in fact, other things happen, even when I’m in the Tunnel.
- Saturday saw the end of Quiet with a bang! Market in the (very) early morning and work in the afternoon.
- Sunday was supposed to be a day of “rest”, but it turned into the beginning of the Tunnel.
- Monday, more Tunnel. But I did manage to publish a post (yay!). And I got Brene Brown’s “Men, Women and Worthiness” (yay again!).
And, I met an Indian man. It’s astonishing how people can have a different… “attitude” to life, and all from living in a different culture. Quote of his to remember: “They don’t know how lucky they are”. Yes. I dare say none of us do. And it’s important to remember this, every now and then. (but not in an annoying or cheesy way, in a grounded and conscious way)
- Tuesday, Tunnel continued. And V came for lunch, and that was great.
- More Tunnel between Tuesday and Wednesday. Then on Thursday I got all this insight about “responsibility” and what it means (post coming up!).
- Friday. Today I felt seriously trapped and in pain. I needed help, so I asked for it.
I met with V and H. I had Swedish meatballs for the first time ever. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such nice people in my life, but boy am I grateful.
Moments of Insight
- I woke up thinking “I’m irresponsible”… But it actually didn’t sting so much anymore.
I realised that what is responsible is to own your stuff and work with it. Because not owning it, is to literally not take responsibility for it, which means you will forever blame everyone and everything else for your issues. And that won’t just drive you mad, but everyone else around you.
- I judge people who have what I want, and that stops me from connecting to them and fully appreciating that they are actually quite nice people.
This is the pattern: I judge people who have what I want, and so to me they are “nasty people I wouldn’t want to be like”. When actually… they are rather nice people, and I’m just judging them.
It’s the “judging” that stops me from seeing that they are nice people.
So I’m caught up in a pattern of “I want a thing, other people do have this thing, but these people who have this thing are evil, therefore I cannot want this thing because I don’t want to be evil”.
In reality, the pattern is “I want a thing, but I don’t allow myself to want it, so I pile shame on myself, and then I judge those people who do have this thing and think they are evil, and that judgement stops me from seeing that they are nice people and that it is possible to have this thing and be nice”.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
More awesomeness on the whole “being single” phenomenon:
- Plus I found this amazing writer called Sara Eckel, who wrote a book titled “It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single”. Check our her articles online!
“You’re not going to meet anyone until you get right with yourself,” my friend Susan told me when I visited her for a few days in her hometown of Portland, Oregon. Susan is one of my wisest friends, and I usually defer to her on all issues of mental wellness. This time, though, I lost it. What did she think I’d been doing? What was up with this idea that self-actualization was a pre-requisite for a lasting relationship, anyway? I knew plenty of married people who carried around an entire grab bag of hang-ups and insecurities. If everyone had to “get right with themselves” before finding a partner, the population would have died off a long time ago.
I wanted someone to look me in the eye and say: “There’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to change or fix yourself—you just need a little luck.”
These 2 quotes have brought so much comfort for me, at a moment of serious loneliness and longing.
Which only goes to show the power of sharing one’s story.
I’ve made it through the week. A week of Tunnel and despair and being so-very-single.
Points for me. For being here and doing this.
And points for you, if you want them.