Sometimes, when I’m REALLY aware of how SINGLE I am, I unconsciously go into “zombie state”.
You know zombies, right? They walk around like… zombies with only one thought in mind: “brains”. Except that they don’t have minds…
I’m not doing a very good job of explaining zombies here. Let’s ask Wikipedia:
A zombie is an animated corpse raised by magical means, such as witchcraft. The term is often figuratively applied to describe a hypnotized person bereft of consciousness and self-awareness, yet ambulant and able to respond to surrounding stimuli.
So, forget about the “animated corpse” part. I’m more of a “figuratively speaking” kinda person.
So, I am using the word “zombie” “figuratively” to describe my state of being hypnotized and bereft of consciousness or self-awareness, yet ambulant and going “BRAINS!!!”.
Except it’s not “brains” I want.*
*accidental pun dedicated to Welsh people.
It’s more like… “MAN!!!”. Yes. Like that. In upper-case. And with lots and lots of exclamation points.
Come to think of it, going around saying “MAN!!!” in a creepy zombie way may be kinda… creepy. So we’ll stick to “brains” and use it as a metaphor.
So, I get into this “zombie” state where I go around craving “brains”.
When I see a human being who appears to be in possession of a succulent “brain”, I go all zombie.
OK, I don’t actually chase after said human being asking for “brain”. But my thoughts do.
My thoughts chase after this “brain”. I only have “brain” related thoughts in relation to this particular human being.
Thoughts such as “THIS LOOKS LIKE SUCH A JUICY BRAIN”.
And “I WONDER IF THIS BRAIN BELONGS TO ANOTHER ZOMBIE”.
And “IF I FIND OUT THIS BRAIN BELONGS TO ANOTHER ZOMBIE I’M GONNA GO ALL NINJA ON THEIR…”
But mostly, my thoughts amount to “GIMME BRAIN!!!”.
(for stylistic purposes I will limit the exclamation points to three, but kindly add many, many more in your head when you read this)
I’m trying to be funny here, but the fact is that being a zombie is anything but fun
I feel creepy and needy and desperate.
I creep people out.
My thoughts are pushy. Bordering on violent and vicious. Because nobody gives up their “brain” willingly. I want to TAKE, by force if necessary.
My thoughts are all “zombie”, even when my body is completely still.
So. What helps with the “zombie state”?
Lots of things!
- First, acknowledging that I’m in “zombie state” and that I’m craving “BRAIN!!!”.
This is actually a BIG THING! I used to be completely unaware of this “zombie state”, and it used to last ages… I’m pretty sure I’ve spent years in it. I never procured myself any “brains”, mind…
- Second, being kind of remotely OK with being in a “zombie state”.
It’s a natural (to me) response to all the gunked up pain of wanting “brain” and never having one. All my emotional responses (“zombie state” included) are normal. Even my wishing I wasn’t a zombie.
- Humour. Humour almost always helps. Humour brings you straight into “accepting this thing that’s going on” and “being kind of ok with it because it’s now funny”.
That is exactly what I’m doing by using the “zombie” metaphor.
I’m also hoping that this metaphor will help me notice when it’s happening, because it doesn’t sound all that terrible now. (progress!)
- And I can turn it all into a game with myself and Imo. I can actually play at being a zombie and do zombie moves like they do in Thriller.
And if all goes well, I can try to learn more about this “zombie state” now that I have a way of explaining it that doesn’t turn me into a complete monster.
(oh, the irony!)
- And if the “zombie state” is bringing up too much pain, I can always do “mad sobbing yoga”.
That’s yoga where you sob madly and bang against the yoga mat. It’s a healthy way to release pain.
So. That’s how I’m playing with my “stuff” today.
Happy Halloween, everyone!