There I was. Watching the Hunger Games, and marvelling at Peeta’s devotion for Katniss. (He is so cute!)
I mean, he adores her. He shows nothing but devotion towards her. Pure, crystal clear love.
Then this feeling showed up: “Man, I’ve had some real bad luck”.
I believe strongly in giving ourselves permission to feel what we feel. It is the first step in the healing process.
A step our culture blocks over and over again through non-permissions and “you shouldn’t think that, feel that, etc”.
Bollocks to it, I say. Permission rules. It has become my religion.
So. Permission to think “I’ve had some real bad luck”.
And listen to what arises…
I’ve had only 4 relationships in my life. 3 of which have been abusive.
The first one… well… the less we say of it the better.
But I will add: imagine the exact opposite of “pure, crystal clear, devoted love” and you’ll have a picture of what it was like.
So no wonder seeing Peeta’s love for Katniss triggered all my past…. stuff.
OK. So. Bad luck, huh? I hear ya’. What else you got?
“I mean… why did it all have to happen. Why. Why, why, why!!!”.
This isn’t a “why”. There are two kinds of asking “why”, and I’ve been working with my stuff for long enough to know that this “why” is hiding something else.
So I make space for the “why” (translation: I don’t try to answer it) and keep listening.
“It’s not fair! It’s just not fair!”.
“I mean…. what did I do? Other people didn’t experience this! They got it right!
What did Mum do to meet a man who was loving and supportive? She went to high school!
And what did [friend] do to meet a man who’s loving and supportive? She hung around on the internet!
Well, that’s what I did! But instead things went horribly, terribly wrong!
Why, why, why!”
“I mean, what crime did I commit? What did I do to deserve this?!”
The realisation: what hides behind the “bad luck” thought
Aha… it begins to dawn on me…
My “complaint” about “bad luck” was trying to show me this unconscious belief: that good things happen to good people and that bad things happen to bad people.
That if only I work hard and “make myself better” I can stop bad things from happening.
That with enough yoga, and “working with my stuff” I can bring in the good things and stop the bad things from happening…
This unconscious belief that I somehow deserved bad things because of some “intrinsic inner flaw”.
“What crime did I commit? To be depressed and have no self-esteem? Is that it?
What if I had had any other kind of disease?
Nobody says “Oh, Geez, there’s this person with [Physical Illness], I’m just going to abuse her physically and emotionally!”. That doesn’t happen.
Why does it happen when it comes to depression?”
There it is, right there: the belief that my depression, and my illness brought the abuse on me.
And then… this realisation.
“It’s all luck”.
No, really. It’s all random.
THAT is what my “Bad Luck” complaint was trying to tell me. My painful experiences have been the result of “chance”.
It was all random…
I didn’t do anything to “deserve” it…
And in all likelihood “they”, the people who “get it right”, didn’t do anything to deserve it either… They just, you know… Had “Good Luck”.
And then… the tears…
“I mean, yes, I am flawed and mad and have rough edges, but I’ve never hurt anyone”.
Tears are good. They are healing…
What’s important for you to remember
- Permission. It will save your life.
When you are working with your stuff, ie: when you’re in the realm of emotions, you need to give yourself permission to “think” whatever it is you’re thinking. Because your thinking is trying to do the “working with the emotions” for you. And that’s no good, the emotions have to “come out”.
This does not mean you will become an arrogant arsehole, it just means you have temporary permission to think some things while you work with your stuff.
- Theories, political or otherwise, will not save your bacon.
You can have every feminist in the history of humankind telling you that you didn’t deserve the abuse, it will not “convince you”.
Because you don’t need “convincing”: you need to work with the emotional stuff.
And I’m really sorry, because this stuff sucks. It sucks to much!
But if you don’t work with this stuff, you will be left staring at the women who “got it right”, who found supportive, loving partners on their first “try”, and you’ll be wondering “how” and “why”, trying to pin down where exactly you went so, so, so wrong…
And you may end up trapped, working towards being “more like them”, because clearly they are getting it right and you aren’t.
I wish I had something witty to say here. But I don’t
Sh!t happens to all of us, and I don’t think there is a reason “why”.
And the downside of “do this and you will manifest good things” tends to be “you mean that I manifested bad things because I did something bad?”.
I’m *positive* this is not helpful.
I may not understand all this fully, but I do have an inkling…
Here it is:
“Zoom in on what you want, what you really, really want. What is in true harmony with your soul.
And you will be able to spot sooner what you don’t want, and what is out of harmony.”
I wishing you good things.
And if you need more support, get my “Work with your Stuff” e-book. Named like that because it will get you started on the path to healing.