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Using Lovers

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My ex used to say that women want men the way they want fashion accessories. “They want men like they want a purse“.
My ex was an arsehole. So there’s that.

I’ve been noticing lately how and when I hanker for a man

And the truth is… Not flattering.

  • When I’m bored, and I crave entertainment.
  • When I feel sad, or lonely, and I want a hug.
  • When I feel insecure, and I want reassurance.
  • When I panic about “what am I doing with my life!!!” and I want reassurance.
  • When I want access to comfort and luxury and safety, and I imagine that a man would be the ticket to all that (as they usually are…)
  • When I want validation over “getting older”.
  • When I want s3x… (yes…)
  • During “The Period Days”

I think quite a lot of people would consider most of these things to be perfectly normal.
And they are normal…

But they are problematic.

In fact, I’m positive there’s a whole lot of people out there “in a relationship” because they can’t stand being on their own. They get bored. They get anxious.
That used to be me…

Unlike most people, I’ve had to learn about all my problematic patterns with “men” because I absolutely cannot afford yet another abusive relationship.

So. I’m taking my embarrassing patterns out of the shadows and putting them into the light.
Hi, unhealthy patterns of dependence.

What’s the practice?

Noticing. Here are my patterns.
I’m saying Hi and everything.

Noticing when they show up.
Leaning towards the pain and discomfort and going “Oh, I’m hankering for a man… I see…”

And above all: having lots of compassion.

Not judging myself. Not telling myself I am “wrong” in any way.
All pain is legitimate, and my patterns are trying to stop my pain, in the only way they know how…
Because it’s the only way our culture knows.

It all makes perfect sense.
It’s just not a very healthy or effective way of getting my needs met.

What are my needs?

Remembering what’s True: this is how I return to health.

Presence
Quiet
Magic, spirituality, meaning… (aka: music)
Softening the anxiety by noticing it
Kindness
Comfort… Being as nice to myself and my body as I can
Gentle body movements (aka: yoga)

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