This week was all about a “sense of entitlement”.
I found myself noticing all those people who seem so comfortable with having a sense of entitlement.
They would say things like “I’m not doing that” and then they don’t do it.
Or the expect to get the best of everything, because why shouldn’t they.
I don’t like the “shadow” side of this, because I don’t want to be a b*tch.
But I do want the “light” side of “entitlement”. Which has the qualities of
+ Having your rightful space
+ Wanting Unabashedly (being true to my wants)
+ Not feeling “less” than others
(I’ll have to change the name. “Entitlement” doesn’t sound right.)
Yes, this week I was fully in my stuff about “wanting the same treatment as other people (dammit!)”.
So that created… friction.
- Copywriting! I did copywriting!!! I found it really challenging, because, hello, it’s writing! But it’s rewarding.
- Friction with people at the (day j-o-b). Boo.
- Hurting my body at the (day j-o-b). Sadness.
- Aching for my life to be different, and surrendering to what is, and all the pain that comes with it.
- Accepting this sense of “NEVER HAVING ANY OF THE DREAMS!!!”. I cannot describe the pain. It’s too much. And it’s scary, because I don’t know what’s going on.
- Doing hard things. Stress from doing hard things. Yay me for doing hard things!
- Pain at seeing men. It’s back… after weeks of not being there, it’s now back. Deep sigh.
- Carpal tunnel again… A wish for health.
- Seeing friends. Spending time with friends! Friends are the best.
Moments of Insight
When women talk about all the beautiful things their boyfriends do, such as, oh, I don’t know, tell them that they are beautiful, I usually get seriously upset.
I used to think that the reason why I get upset is because it reminds me of what I don’t have, ie: I don’t have a boyfriend who does beautiful things.
But then I realised: my past memories are being triggered. It’s not that I don’t have a man who tells me I’m beautiful… It’s that none of them men I’ve been with told me I was beautiful.
Mental note: never again go out with a man who doesn’t think you’re beautiful. And who tells you regularly.
And if, as monsters say, there are no men on this planet who think I’m beautiful because I’m just so darn aesthetically challenged, then… so be it.
Better than to be with a man who doesn’t think I’m beautiful.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
This is the article I wish I had written.
I have failed, so many times, in so many ways.
In fact, I don’t know success.
I now hope failure will soften me, and “en-wisen” me. Help me see what is really important.
Here’s Martha Beck:
This is the magic of accepting that you’ve done your very best but failed. Own your failure openly, publicly, with genuine regret but absolutely no shame, and you’ll reap a harvest of forgiveness, trust, respect, and connection—the things you thought you’d get by succeeding.
Here’s to hoping I can own my failure publicly in the future.
This is a free sample lesson by Naomi Dunford (my *actual* business coach). Especially useful if you are in the business of “teaching” people.
That’s it! Another week of logging.
Good wishes and Downton Abbey :D