Lateness of this log brought by the “Exhaustion with no name”. I’m constantly exhausted and I don’t know why.
- I went to an ashram. For real! It was my first time at an ashram, and it was actually pretty awesome. It involved mostly chanting and beautiful surroundings. Also, swinging on a swing, conversations with a wise friend and lots of sunlight. A breath for adventure and new experiences.
- People. What are they like!? Why they be so confusing?!? I don’t know, but I’ve had experiences this week of people being… “human” and not “peopling” in the right way, and that hurts. A breath for the painful experiences.
- No news on [Situation]. None at all. This is confusing. But not as confusing as a discovery I made last night that left me pretty much with my jaw on the floor. At times I have stuff, and I’m “fighting what is”. At other times, I’m at peace with it all, and I’m feeling pure joy. A breath for this experience, in all its confusing glory.
- Wasting my life away. That’s what I’m doing. My friend says that I’m grieving, but I’m not so sure. I’ve been wasting my life away for a long, long time now. Maybe even years. Perhaps I’m just grieving my own life. Perhaps I am done with this incarnation. I don’t know. A breath for letting the self-disgust be what it is.
- The “Exhaustion with no name” is still around. Yesterday I had to nap at 10pm because I-could-not-stay-awake. Add to this that I have an inexplicable cough, the problems with my digestion are still present (and without explanation) and my toothache has not gone anywhere; if anything, little aches keep happening around my tooth. A breath for all the inexplicable ailments, and for being patient with what is.
- The title of this log is in reference to this feeling of “emerging” I’ve been experiencing lately. It’s early stages, but I’m writing, a little. I felt it important to honour this. And it appears I may very well go back to writing about politics.
- Changes at work. Also, the busiest day. My tolerance levels are very low, and I don’t know why. I cannot even begin to imagine having another job, or doing anything else for that matter. A breath for a challenging spot.
Moments of Insight
I don’t know if I’m on the right track here, but this is something that came up for me this week:
I would like to say “I didn’t just give up because I was slightly inconvenienced.”
I might give up. I might be left with no choice. Or perhaps it will all cool down slowly, and the letting go will be peaceful and easy. I don’t know.
I don’t even know where I am at the moment. I’m holding on, but lightly. Much more lightly than ever before.
Perhaps that is why letting go is so difficult and scary. Because we think “if I let go, I will no longer have it, and I want it”. And it takes a lot of courage, patience and experience to learn that letting go doesn’t mean you won’t have it. It just means you won’t have it if you’re not meant to have it. It means you realise it was never yours to begin with.
It means accepting that is’t not up to you. So you can relax.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
“Your Brokenness Leads You to Your Genius, Not to Despair”. This is a post and an audio, and it’s such a treat! It echoes what so many people are saying, and I have trouble accepting: we are here to use our gifts to heal the world, and our work has meaning.
Why Africa is poor. This. This is essential for everyone to understand. Africa is poor because its resources are needed by the Western world, and if Africa wasn’t poor the whole global economy would come crashing down.
Another log logged, another week lived.
Here’s a tiny wish for clarity and for ease.
May it be so.