Oh, my poor, poor neglected log, on my poor, poor neglected website.
To match my poor, poor neglected life.
I went through a really rough couple of weeks, but I believe I’m better now.
Maybe. I’m going to call this a “truce log”, and it shall serve as a stand in for all the weeks I did not log.
- I spent one week crying. That’s no exaggeration. I had my period and *all the despair* and I did nothing but cry and watch Netflix. On top of that I had the most horrific days at work, on a level I never experienced before. On the plus side, I realised something important: whenever I am in that “state” of utter, utter despair, something happens in my energy field, because people seem to get a whole lot nastier towards me. On the days I was feeling the worst, I had people on the street shout things at me, for no reason. That’s something that happens maybe once every 2 months or so, and on those two days it happened a total of 3 times. Plus people at work were at their nastiest towards me. This is actually useful information, because up to now I have always believed there was something I was “doing” to make things fall apart around me, I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. But it’s not that. It’s involuntary, and it’s most definitely real. It’s good to know there is nothing I can do to stop people being nasty towards me on the days I feel the worst. A breath for this.
- Worked at a wedding and was seriously triggered. I thought I was doing ok, but it turned out I was just bottling up feelings, which emerged later. It appears I am most certainly not ok to watch people my age get married, while their parents and grandparents witness them doing so. I am not ok that my Dad is gone and even if I were to get married tomorrow, he would not be able to see it. And neither would my grandparents, because I have none. This is genuine grief and it’s genuinely horrible. A breath for this.
- I was feeling so, so bad that Twitter Friend drove for miles to come see me. Grateful for friends who show up.
- Dinner with Check Friend. Doing the only thing I felt up to at the time: watching Netflix. Grateful for friends who don’t seem to mind that my emotional state is all over the place.
- Trying to die. Or rather, “letting go”. I laid in bed one night thinking “I’m at peace, I’m ready to go”, and I began to let go, feeling myself dissolve with the background, my breath getting shallower and shallower. I felt anxiety about dying, but it didn’t last long. I thought I was going. And then I ran into something that didn’t want me to go… so I didn’t. I “came back”. Perhaps it’s not my time to die yet, even though I very much wish it was.
- Lost my job. I’ve been working in that cafe for almost 2 years. Now I was ungraciously told I won’t be coming back. I felt angry for about a day or so, but I’m OK with it now. On the day I found out I wasn’t coming back I was given a few shifts at a new place. It will do for now, but I really need a new job.
- Cried at the Dr’s office. I didn’t mean to, I was just feeling so raw. The toothache that shouldn’t be there had been there for a few weeks, and now it seems to have receded. A breath for all this pain.
- [Situation] went from “confusing nothing” to “perhaps something” to “Nothing”. I blame myself for not being able to let go sooner.
- Indian friend came to visit and he took me out for the day and it was amazing. I still can’t believe I have such nice friends in my life. He also invited me to London for a few days, to look for work, and I hope something good comes out of this experience. Gratitude and a breath.
- Housemates left for San Francisco. Means I got Oscar The Cat all to myself. Then Super Friend left for San Francisco, more specifically, LA. Super Friend will be gone for 3 months, and I’m going to miss her loads.
Moments of Insight
I had a huge Moment of Insight a few days ago, but I cannot explain it with words. It involved Soul Music and writing.
I had this sense that to “give up” on my writing would somehow disconnect me from my Dad.
I’m not sure what this means, but it felt important at the time. There were a lot of tears… and also, yes, writing.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
“The Cost of Stress in your Primary Relationships”. This interview with Dr Gabor Mate is seriously good, though frankly I would say that because I am a huge fan of his. Do check out his stuff, he’s truly wise.
“Mirabai Starr: Caravan of No Despair”. I’m at a place right now where I cannot tolerate any bullshit, so a “dark night of the soul” memoir by a mother who lost her child is as bs-free as it gets. This stuff is real, people, and we are not in it for the “ego perks” which, frankly, come rarely, if ever.
Bonus Rumi quote from the podcast:
“There is a secret medicine
given only to those who hurt so hard
they can’t hope.”
“The Secret History of Yoga”. I have no idea if this is any good, but it’s on my list of things to listen to.
“Despair Fatigue”. In-depth analysis by David Graeber on the state of British politics. Seriously good. Bonus points of mentioning “steampunk”.
“The Body Keeps the Score”, audiobook. Again, I don’t know if this is any good, but it’s an audiobook and it is free, and I’m committed to sharing “free stuff that might help those who are struggling”.
I don’t know what to say, I don’t have words anymore.
So I am just going to take a breath and leave it at that.
Thank you, Log, for holding all my life.