I went to Paris for my birthday for 5 days last week.
So this week’s log, though late, should be amusing. Or at the very least not as sad as all the recent logs.
- The name of this log, “Paris at Last!” is a reference to the “I Love Lucy” episode of the same name. “I Love Lucy” was one of my Dad’s all time favourite series. We used to watch it all together when I was young. A lot of my facial expressions have been “borrowed” from Lucy, thought I only noticed that when I grew up.
- Paris is called “The City of Love” not, as I thought, because of its “romantic love” qualities but because of its beauty. Love and Beauty are closely linked. The Goddess Aphrodite was not just the Goddess of Love but of Beauty as well Everywhere you turn you see evidence of beauty. I believe this has an effect on us humans, to live surrounded by beauty, because beauty stands for so many things, like “done to honour the Universe” and “done this way because we care”.
- I have this strange habit of trying different food whenever I visit a new city on my own. During my time in Paris I had: Japanese, Lebanese, Indian, French, Armenian. This along with other French classics, such as croissants, macaroons, crepes and ice cream. Yes, I go travelling so I can taste new food.
- Too much walking. They say that Paris is a “walkable” city; what they don’t say is that you need a new pair of feet every day. I am not used to walking, since I cycle everywhere, and by the third day I had had enough, so I just stayed in my neighbourhood and ate things, which was lovely.
- I visited Notre Dame twice, which has been my dream for a long, long time. I sat down and just cried. I didn’t even think about anything. After taking the first few steps inside Notre Dame, I became agitated, and I knew I needed to sit down and cry, which was challenging since most of it had been cordoned off for some unfathomable. Still, I found a spot in a chapel and I sat down and cried. This happened again and again, when I visited two other churches. I didn’t think anything, I just cried. I wanted to pray, but I couldn’t, my mind was “blank” so I couldn’t “ask” for anything. I just felt things. I hope that was enough as a form of “prayer.
- There was a “Flash” of [Situation] with [Person], and this was very much on my mind throughout this week. I tried to use it to heal my past, and an aspect of my life that needs healing. I received two big clues while in Paris, courtesy of churches, and I don’t know what to make of them, because I can only file them under “too much of a coincidence, surely!”.
- I don’t have “regrets” per se, but I wish my trip to Paris had been different, even though I know that could not have been the case. I wish I could have experienced more joy, I wish I could have processed my birthday more, I wish I could have had a “story” or a few stories to add that layer of meaning to my life. But none of that could happen, because there’s all the grief about losing Dad, all this silent grief I can’t put into words, I can only feel intense sadness and cry on occasion.
- The “pain of being single” is actually much reduced. I only notice because twice people have alerted me to it, like “omg, Mary, it must be so hard for you, being single and all” and my response has been “actually no, not at all”. Nobody is more surprised than me.
- Not wanting to live anymore. Very intense feelings of being “done” and not being able to fathom carrying on with this incarnation. I then made the mistake of telling Mum about my feelings, which is always a bad idea since she can’t deal, and so she got worried. Then on top of feeling my own upsetness I had to help Mum climb down from the tree of “stuff” she had jumped onto. There are some feelings that I can’t share with others because they can’t deal.
- Birthday gifts. A beginners’ piano book, a typewriter, a book, a beautiful mug. I am in awe at the generosity of the people around me.
Moments of Insight
My big insight this week has been this:
You must be able to hold two seemingly contradictory ideas at the same time: that this “thing” that is happening is happening because you have “unresolved karma” AND that this “thing” that is happening doesn’t say anything about you.
Yes, I have “unresolved karma” about being single. But it doesn’t say anything about me.
It doesn’t mean that I am “broken” or “wrong” or that I don’t know how to love. It doesn’t even mean that I am doing anything “wrong”. It just means that this is how things are. If it wasn’t the “single” thing it would be something else, because there is always “something” triggering our core “wound”, which we all have.
All I have to do is to stay present, work with my stuff as best I can and learn from it all.
And remember that this thing that is happening doesn’t say anything about me.
And an unrelated possible insight. It occurred to me that perhaps this feeling I’m feeling is sent by the “Universe”, which might explain why I have no control over it. I’ll ponder about this some more, but this thought is ringing true for me right now.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
“Moby gives away 4 hours of ambient music”. I don’t know who this “Moby” is, but the music is very relaxing, so perfect for yoga.
“Cultural insanity: Ponerized Western consumer culture is creating a demoralized man in psycho-spiritual crisis”. This essay is very thorough and in depth, and it explains perfectly why we are all losing our marbles in Western societies.
I am here, showing up, and that’s all that matters.
I’m doing my best, and we are all doing our best, and life is hard. For everyone.