My weekly ritual for looking at the week that was.

Skipped-a-week Log.
My Dad passed away.
And there are no words.

• Dad passed away the week before this one. It was so sudden, and unexpected. Mum was in such shock that she didn’t tell me until the next day. 3 days later I was boarding a plane back to Buenos Aires, to spend a week with Mum and Brother. I don’t have words about this. I adored by Dad as few Dad’s have ever been adored, in a clean, true and uncomplicated way. He knew I adored him, we all did. I am glad I spent 2 months with him at the beginning of the year, and I’m also glad my finances allowed me to book a last minute flight to spend a week with my Mum and Brother. I will never recover from losing my Dad, and this thought gives me comfort.

• I remember thinking, right before Dad left, that “things couldn’t get much worse”. Now I no longer think. I am devoid of thought and dreams. I function by momentum only. I feel as dead as it’s possible to feel without being actually dead.

• Two months since [Experience] and I still have feelings and thoughts. A story that will not die, no matter how many times I put it to rest.

• Asked someone for help in becoming a yoga teacher, the last dream I had, and haven’t heard back. I’m tired of things not happening and everything being hard. I want to be done with this life already. I wanted to do a yoga teacher training so I could better face my Dad’s illness. And now… no words.

• Nothing. I don’t feel anything. Re-reading last log, and I realise the extent of the pain I’ve been in for the past few weeks. I was in Extreme Sorrow before Dad left. I don’t know where I am now. I function… but my internal world is in ruins.

• Went to dentist in Buenos Aires, as toothache won’t go. Another source of pain that won’t heal.

• I no longer practice “trusting” the Universe. I no longer pray. I am in a horrible place where no spiritual “teaching”, no word of wisdom can reach me.

• I’m going to Paris tomorrow for my birthday, a trip I planned weeks ago. Dad would have wanted me to go, Paris was his favourite city. Even so, I am not excited about this trip. Not because I don’t want to go, but because I am just not excited about anything right now.

Moments of Insight

I woke up with this yesterday:

“The people we love hide in the things we love”.

It will have to do. I have nothing else.

Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!) Not even slightly, not in these circumstances

If silences can be prayers, then may this silence in my heart act as one.