Another late log due to reasons. I’m here now and that’s all that matters.
- When I say “a week of meltdowns” I truly mean “a whole week of meltdowns”. My days looked like this: get up, go to work, come back, have a meltdown, recover from said meltdown as best I can, go to sleep, repeat. It’s been as horrible as it sounds. A breath for horror.
- A rather horrific episode of self-harm and complete meltdown at work, of all places. Another breath for the horror that life is, sometimes.
- Still learning so much courtesy of [Experience]. It has changed me so much, I hope, for the better. I can tell. A breath for pain leading to breakthroughs.
- No news on the [project], leading to all the fears about being forgotten and “I have completely screwed up”. A breath for what is.
- A whole week without a day off. This would not have been possible a few years ago, and now it is. I worked for 12 days straight, without a break. A breath for being able to handle more of life, thanks to doing the work.
- Fixed my bike today, and I hope it does not need any more fixing for a while. A breath for the frustration of things breaking down, life doing its thing.
- I’m in the “Space Between Stories”, as described by Charles Eisenstein. I don’t know what to do, what to think, how to feel, or how to “be”. A breath for challenging times, this process that cannot be rushed and must only be walked through.
Moments of Insight
After the huge, self-harm meltdown, I remembered something.
Many, many years ago I used to believe that everyone had “something”, everyone had been blessed in some particular way, except for me.
It appears that I no longer believe that.
So perhaps the meltdown helped me release that old belief? Maybe?
I guess we’ll never know.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
There’s only one Un-missable this week, but it’s a real good one, so make sure not to, uh, miss it.
This interview is so good. Here, I transcribed you my favourite part:
“The Universe is generous.
Another part of the process, especially when you step out of the world of control and the “Old Story”, and devote yourself to something like that, the Universe will say “Are you sure?”. So the first thing might be an obstacle. “Do you really wanna do this?”.
“Why are you really doing this? Is it because you want to get rich and famous? Are you still gonna do it even if you have no possibility of that? What are you really serving here?”. So I was given this opportunity to clarify why I was really doing it.
If you have mixed motives in your creations, like I did, you will be faced with a similar generous opportunity to clarify why you’re really doing it. If you enter into it without that inner conflict, then the crystallisation of miracle and synchronicity around is much more likely to manifest right away.
If it isn’t manifesting, it could be a symptom that there’s inner conflict that needs to be resolved. Therefore, we can be grateful when those things happen. We can be. Although rage and despair might be a more authentic response to it. But eventually we come to gratitude and realise “Oh, I’m really glad it happened that way”.
It’s not really a test that you pass or fail. It’s an opportunity for clarification. Because maybe the result will be that you give up on it. And then you also learn something about yourself. And you learn “you know, maybe I really wasn’t in service to that vision, maybe I don’t care about it that much, maybe there’s something else in this world that I care about so much that I will be unstoppable”.”
- “The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know Is Possible, Chapter 20: Nondoing”. Extra reading on this very difficult process of being in the “Space Between Stories”.
It’s been a truly difficult week.
I believe I have turned a corner now, so I hope things get easier from now on.
May it be so. Amen.