Super late log because Life has been extra Life this week.
It was Christmas! And it’s the week before my Big Trip! So of course, busy has been extra busy.
- Teeth have been really sore throughout the whole week, leading to fears that “Something is Wrong”. Dentist confirmed today that nothing is wrong, and teeth are less sore, so I’m feeling more relaxed about that. A breath for this whole thing finally being over.
- This years, Christmas really didn’t feel like Christmas for me. Even as the weeks went by, I noticed a distinct lack of interest on my part towards all things Christmasy, especially music. I sang “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” a couple of times, when I heard others sing it, but that was it. And the more I noticed, the more I realise: Christmas didn’t feel like Christmas for other people either. It’s been… strange. I spent Christmas Day on my own, completely on my own for the first time ever. I prepared myself for the pain I thought might show up, but no pain did show up. I made myself some nice meals (or tried to, anyway), watched “The Sound of Music”, as per my Christmas Eve tradition, painted a couple of things for no reason, watched the very last Downton Abbey episode… Very quiet joy all around. My only regret is not yoga-ing and meditating and processing more… though I didn’t really feel like it. (I asked myself a few times, so that’s how I know I didn’t feel like it)
- The Sales!!! On Boxing Day morning, I was there for the sales, at my favourite store. Bought shirts and sweaters for myself, and shirts for brother. Then went again and bought shoes. It’s been a mad few days, what with all that shopping, but I pulled it off. I got things I was planning to get. I’m only sorry I couldn’t find yoga pants.
- Good Lord, did I do anything this week but run around like a maniac trying to get everything ready for trip? Probably not. Operation “Final Countdown” has been more demanding than I thought. I knew it would be a challenge to get everything done at the last minute, but I think I’m doing pretty well.
- Super Friend came, and we had a great time. Twitter Friend going through hard life stuff. Operation “Expanding the Circle” taking unexpected turn.
- Started “A Spinster’s Holidays” on Widdershins’ Facebook page, to record all my holiday stuff. I shared some doodles, and some deep spiritual lessons I got from Martha Beck, and they proved popular. On the grand scheme of things this is nothing, but to me it gives me hope that if I share the “deep” stuff with people, they might be interested, (rather than wonder what the Heck I’m on about, as my monsters tell me).
- I can’t believe the year is ending. I started this year not caring much about the “New Year” thing, and it appears I’ll be ending it in the same way. I cannot think about all the things I “didn’t achieve”. Not just because it would be challenging emotionally, but because my brain seems to have changed, and I appear to no longer care about things like “achievements” and “status” and “success”. In one way, this is great: the only thing I want is to create and share my truth with the world, without caring at all whether people like it or not (if you think about it, it’s rather silly to care: if it is truth, and people don’t care, then it’s their loss, and if it’s not true, then it’s a good thing people don’t care). I would like to think I’m slowly getting to that state of mind, yet I am aware of how much trust this takes, because I cannot see what lies in front of me, at all, when I’m not obsessed about the things the world tells me to obsess about. I have to make my own path… again. Turn Widdershins, do things the opposite way as convention. Again, and again.
Moments of Insight
These insights came while watching “The Sound of Music” on Christmas Eve. It was the first time since my trip to Salzburg and yes, I enjoyed it tremendously.
- Everything is beautiful in Salzburg. And beauty is a way to honour the divine, to try to vibrate at the same frequency as God.
- “I always try to keep faith in my doubts”, Reverend Mother. I wonder whether there’s value in keeping faith in one’s doubts, rather than trying to squash faith, whenever it shows up, which is what I’ve been trying to do for a while.
- “To find out what is the will of God and do it wholeheartedly”, Maria. Seems to be Life Purpose, according to the spiritual path.
- “The Lord will show you in his own good time”, Reverend Mother. How hard is this lesson to learn???
- In a strange way, stories are truer than reality. Movies and stories cut off the “minutia” of life, leaving nothing but moments of awakening. In stories we can see clearly the characters’ karma, their struggles, what they need to learn. In our own lives this is harder to see our own symbolism.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
- The “Unravelling the Year Ahead workbook and calendar”. Looks pretty awesome. And free.
- The Game is Rigged. If you’re caught up in “comparison” and “why can’t I do all the things”, here’s Havi with an important lesson: there’s no way we can do all the things.
The Game is so ridiculously Rigged. For example, yesterday (Friday, for me), I intentionally left the day empty so I could devote it to writing and posting the Chicken. Here’s what actually happened. I woke early, made breakfast for me and my brother, laundry, made up the guest room, prepared soup stock and chopped vegetables so dinner prep will be easier, washed dishes, took out compost, did a small workout and suddenly it was 2pm. Wasn’t on my phone, didn’t open my computer. Even with my housemate picking up groceries for me, and my chronic pain on vacation, at full energy, with zero avoidance or distractions, and the tremendous good fortune of huge quantities of magic privilege beans, I wasn’t able to pull it off. I wrote two-thirds of the chicken, and it was already evening. Prior to Shmita, I would have skipped my dance classes and just finished this post to not disappoint people waiting for our weekly ritual. This past year has really opened my eyes to the fact that this blog-space I love so much is also a ten-hour-a-week (and sometimes twenty-hour-a-week) unpaid job, in addition to all the other unpaid jobs, and so I am trying to be more aware of my tendency to tend to [perceived external needs] rather than to my own joy-spark desire in the moment. Anyway, today went the same as yesterday — I still haven’t gotten around to making the soup, and also realized it’s been ten days since I last washed my hair. All of this is not the hard part, it’s just the truth of life. What’s hard is the way external culture works with impossible expectations of what can be done in a day. All the “productivity” people who want us to believe that if we just were more efficient, we could magically “balance” jobs and families and work on our dreams and goals, inbox zero and throw some self-care in there too, what a joke. The way we live is broken, fantastically broken, and no one talks about this. The uncomfortable culture of silence and silencing allows us to keep comparing ourselves to an impossible-to-achieve standard. There’s not actually any way to get anything done, never mind everything. A breath of acknowledgment for something that is true whether people talk about it or not, for a quiet powerful wave of revolution, and a breath of appreciation in my heart as I also take stock of the magic beans that make my life easier in so many uncountable ways.
(Yes, this quote is from another post of hers, but it’s important, so I’m putting it here)
- Welcome to the New Year Revolution (Revolution a “V”). There’s still time to sign up for Super Friend’s New Year Revolution, to crush the BS around New Year’s Day.
Yay for another log, even if late.
Here’s a prayer: may we all receive the New Year in whichever way works best for us. And may we receive whatever qualities we need most.
Happy New Year.