My weekly ritual for looking at the week that was.

Today is Log Day.
It is also Widdershins 3rd Birthday.
Why yes, this baby website is 3 years old.

• My digestion issues are still very much “present” and letting themselves know to me. Doctor doesn’t know what I have, though they did discover I am low on Vitamin D thanks to the lack of available sunlight in these here parts. A breath for patience with what is.

• My relationship with my writing is still very much “cold”, though I am staying present with it, observing it with kindness.

• I worked my first shift as a “supervisor”, all on my own, and I did pretty darn well. I am discovering I am not altogether bad at this “directing people”, and “running things”. A breath for feeling confident.

• I went to a Feminist meeting for the first time in years and I stayed calm! I enjoyed other people’s presence, and didn’t lose my marbles once! This is HUGE for me! And even though I have no interest in joining the Feminist world ever again, knowing I can be in such a space and witness myself not losing my marbles means a lot. Another breath for feeling confident.

• Spent yesterday and today with friends! Indian Friend and Super Friend finally met each other and it was awesome! I am so happy to have such amazing people in my life.

Moments of Insight, Special Edition: What I’ve Learned in Three Years of Website

• We are not always in charge.

We are not omnipotent. And we are not always in charge of things, even when we think we are.
In this field of “coaching” and “personal development”, we are told over and over that we can control our destiny and have whatever we want. Well… I say we can’t, not always.

I have tried to make Widdershins into what I *thought* it “should” be. And guess what: I’ve had no “success”. Widdershins is just as powerful as I am, and it has a will of its own. Our relationship is one of “equals”; I don’t get to decide every aspect of its being. I get to partner with it and help it become what it is meant to be. And what that is, is beyond me. Literally beyond me. I can’t control its destiny.

• My website is where it is meant to be.

File this one with “I am where I am meant to be”. My website is exactly where it is meant to be, exactly where it needs to be right now to help the people it needs to help. There isn’t a point of “perfection” where either my website or my life get to be finally “successful” or “worthy” or even “real”. There isn’t a point where Widdershins gets to “count” as a “real thing” because “oh, now it has had so many blah blahs”. There is only “now”, and there is only the love that we are both glowing now.

My website is exactly where it is meant to be. Yes, even if it gets 10 clicks a day and there are 80 subscribers on my list. My website is exactly where it is meant to be. And I am exactly where I am meant to be.

• We cannot always see progress.

In fact, most of the time we cannot see progress as it is happening. It’s one of the reasons why meditation never works. This is how it works for me. I feel terrible, so I do the work, even though it doesn’t help with the “feeling terrible” part. At all.
And then, many months / years later, I notice I’m happier, less neurotic, less anxious. And though I cannot and will not ever say I am “cured” from depression (because I don’t think it can be cured), I cannot honestly remember when was the last time I had a Meltdown Crisis. Probably last month. But that’s quite some time, for me, someone who used to have several Meltdowns a day.

If I were to judge the work on its capacity to make me “feel better”, I would say: it-just-doesn’t.
I don’t think we can or should judge the “working with your stuff” process on how much it makes one feel “better”. Much like we shouldn’t judge a website by its numbers of “blahs” or judge a human being by… any variable.
I would like to believe the “inner work” is its own reward, and we should do it without expectations or attachments. A tall order, I know, but this attitude is what works for me. The minute I start “expecting an outcome” from the process, it stops working.

• Sometimes “miracles” are really… diluted.

This one will probably make sense only to me, but in my experience sometimes miracles don’t work in one fell swoop. I’ve asked for miracles and asked (and asked) and they simply refused to show up in any discernible form. Then months and months (and months) later I look back and realise that my perception of a situation has changed.
But it took months. Because sometimes “miracles” are really… diluted.

• Don’t underestimate the Quiet.

Whether it’s Quiet Joy, or the very quiet fact that I am here, on my own, celebrating Widdershins third birthday by continuing to show up, in spite of everything, Quiet counts.

Not everything in life is going to be a big bombastic celebration. Quiet Joy or Quiet Presence can be very powerful.

Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!) NOPE

Dude, the internet has been crap lately. Or maybe my needs have changed? Whatever it is, I haven’t found a single worthy thing on the inter webs this week. What’s up with that?!?

I am happy I’ve logged this log. I am happy I am still here after three years, even though “popular wisdom” would say that I am wasting my time and that this has been a complete failure.
I am learning to do things because they feel true to “me”, and that is what’s important to me right now. Following my compass. I want to glow more and more Love, and judging myself by some arbitrary standard of “success” or “failure” blocks that.

May nothing block the glow of Love. May nothing block my alignment with Truth.
A Quiet Happy Birthday to Widderhins. Glowing Quiet Joy.