Once again, I am starting this log with the perception that “nothing happened this week, why bother logging!”. Seriously, I meet this pattern *every single week*, and it’s been going for a year.
So here’s a reminder for myself, and a useful interruption to the pattern: Mary, this is your log, and you can write about anything you want, you are not required to write about “Big Things”.
So. Let’s log.
- I have this wish: there’s this [Thing] I want, and have been wanting for years, and I am not able to bring it into my life; it’s just that I am… not bringing it into my life, and I don’t know why. I’ve been exploring the why for a few weeks now. This week, I asked myself “where do I see [Thing] in relation to myself?” and the vision that came back was “Right above my head, slightly out of reach, but almost”. Throughout this week, I asked myself the same question, and sometimes the answer was “now it’s within reach, but I don’t want to touch it yet”, “now it’s playing with my eyelashes”, “now it’s hovering above my hands”. This has been very… interesting.
- In fact, I am learning a *ton* about wishing for things, preparing for their arrival and about waiting for the right time. My wish for [Thing] feels like a symbol, or a “proxy”, for every thing I wish for. Here’s to hoping that the epiphanies land, and that they are applicable to every wish I have.
- Challenging “exchange of opinions” on the subject of politics and oppression. My opinion proved extremely unpopular, and that was super challenging. Lots of stuff showed up from my years as a political activist, when my opinion was also unpopular. Stuff about being the “unpopular girl”? I have it.
- Working with said stuff about the challenging exchange of opinions led to realisations about Past Me, and it led to releasing pain and stuff. It was hard, but it is done now, and it has moved me one step closer to being “healed”. Hopefully one day I’ll arrive at the place where I can write about my Truth and not care whether people like it or not, and where I can write without anger or anxiety.
- This week I was supposed to go to London for a few days, but I had to cancel my plans due to emergency dentist appointment, which means I am off work for a few days and no London. I am pissed off and rightly so. A breath for what is.
- Finished “The School for Good and Evil”. I am shocked, SHOCKED, that the book ended. How is this even possible? How can books end?
- Went to the beach yesterday with friends, and tried my hand at photography. I am quite glad that I focus on writing and not photography, since I apparently suck at it.
- Let’s have a compassionate sigh for the persistent feeling that “something BIG is about to happen”. I’ve had this feeling many times before, and I believed that indeed “something BIG was about to happen”, and then it didn’t, so now I have fear. Trying to honour my present feeling, show compassion to Past Me, and “let go” of the clinging for Something Big Happening.
Moments of Insight
This week’s biggest insight came courtesy of the challenging exchange of opinions on Facebook, and also the working with my stuff about wishing for [Thing].
I realised that my interactions with people on Facebook were an attempt at showing the Truth to “Past Me”, who was in so much pain due to knowing nothing outside of the world of political activism.
And this in turn led me to this question: “What if I was the one causing all the pain? WHAT IF I HAD THE POWER ALL ALONG?!?!”.
This Insight was seriously challenging, but thankfully Super Friend was there and they showed me compassion and kindness, which helped me feel less alone and less like a “Meltdown Freak”.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
- Neil Gaiman talking about his book “Neverwhere”. Did you know that I first learned the word “Widdershins” from the book “Neverwhere”? Yes indeedy!
And now it is beyond lateness, and I don’t feel good about myself at all.
But I have logged, and I did show up.
Deep breaths and lemonades.