Weekly Log copy

Weekly Log #54: Learning to Want From Love

My weekly ritual for looking at the week that was.

Weekly Log copy

right now I am noticing my resistance to logging, and how it might come from the perception that “nothing happened this week”.
This is my recurring pattern, and one of the main reasons why I started logging. It’s a life, not a movie, and yes, some weeks “nothing important happens” and it’s still my life, and I am still practicing.
So. Logging.

  • This week also had Quiet Joy, yet there’s still something else lurking in the background. Something isn’t quite… “OK”. It isn’t necessarily “wrong”, it’s just… a feeling of incompleteness. I am mostly OK most of the time, yet there is something “in there” (ie: in my internal world).
  • Less work this week, though there was a wedding, and that was challenging. Not as challenging as it could have been, but still. The triggers were there, sometimes subtle, sometimes strong.
  • Wanting from Love. So there’s this thing I’ve wanted for years, and it looks like it might happen sometime soon. I’ve been doing the internal work to prepare for its arrival. This led me to ask big questions such as “when do we know we are ready?”. I could have this thing in a matter of days, and still, I feel not-ready-yet. Like some “piece” needs to fall in to complete the puzzle, like it’s not quite time yet. Even though I’ve wanted it for years. This is very interesting, because there are so many things in my life that I want and aren’t “happening”, so learning to understand “readiness” feels important.
  • Friends showed up unexpectedly with cake! Tiny Friend texted unexpectedly, and we went for coffee. Yay friends!
  • Sent difficult e-mails and made a difficult phone call, so I’m giving myself ALL THE POINTS!
  • Went to the Library! Also known as that place where All the Magic Lives and got the last installment of “The School for Good and Evil”. Yay magic!
  • Doing some writing, yet not feeling ready to publish anything. A sigh for this seemingly endless process of becoming the person who can speak her Truth with confidence.
  • Feeling “The Longing”. Sometimes it’s imperceptible, sometimes it’s loud. And though it is, overall, the quietest it has been in my life (and I’m grateful for that), it is still there, and today it was loud. A breath for “The Longing”, for compassion, for love.

Moments of Insight

Someone at work said that I am quite content to joke about people, but that I can’t take a joke myself, and I listened and went “huh”. Because it was true.

Then I had a moment yesterday when I realised that I’ve apparently chosen celibacy. As in, I’ve chosen to wait for The One and Only, and be celibate in the meantime, rather than inflict more trauma to my already pretty PTSDed Second Chakra.
I then wrote a post about it, and hopefully will publish it soon.

Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)

  • There you have it: celibacy. It is a thing that sometimes happens when one abstains from sexual activity, and one learns important stuff from it. Basically what I’ve been doing, albeit unknown to me.

Divider

A difficult log logged. I don’t even know why it was so difficult, but it was.
Anyways, I am here, and I am present, and that’s what matters.
Love and biscuits.

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