Today I feel I have emerged from this misery hole I’ve been stuck in for the past week.
It all started with a cold… and it got worse and worse. It hasn’t been pretty.
My cold brought up a lot of “stuff”, but I was too weak to fully engage with any of it. So instead I acknowledged small bits here and there, only superficially.
And because there was so much of it, I could do nothing but suffer and cry. And cry. And feel very sad and miserable.
Here’s some of the stuff that my cold brought up:
Feeling helpless and vulnerable
Ah, yes, nothing like feeling too weak to cook or do the washing up or leave the house to remind of how your own vulnerability when you can no longer rely on your own resources.
Lots of feeling “I can’t cope! I can’t cope with this life! It’s too hard, and nobody ever sees that! Nobody ever sees that I have too much on my plate, that I need help too, that everything is too pants. I need a break! SOMETHING to work out for once! I’m exhausted from 5 years of trying to make my life work and nothing ever getting better!”
And also: “Nobody cares about me. If I don’t eat, or get better, nobody cares. Nobody’s gonna come and help me or look after me. Nobody cares”.
Feeling lonely and single
This one was huge. I mean, humongous. For about 5 days straight, this was me:
And “reality” would yell back:
“Oh, yeah? Well, tough and toughness! You are single, yes, and you don’t have a man and you may never have one because they are all taken and you are too old. Also, you are poor, have no career, and you are traumatised all around. No man for you. So there! No point crying.”
I should explain that when I say “reality yelled back”, what I mean is “my own internal idea of what reality would say if it could talk”. Which, as you can see, is nothing but my own pain and assumptions projected back to me.
Havi calls them “monsters”, and, in hindsight, that’s exactly what this “reality” was. But at the time, it felt like reality was quite literally taking the Michael and tormenting me for being the way it is. (if that makes sense)
This obsession (understatement!) with not having a man to look after me was indeed brought by my cold and my feelings of helplessness. But after a few days, my period synched in. And as I’ve come to discover, whenever my period arrives, all the “I WANT A MAN” feelings get louder and the sadness of not having one just pours like a waterfall. Yeah.
Feelings of “I HATE EVERYBODY!!!”
Everybody who was remotely happy. Every woman with a man in her life. (see above) Every person with a family and a nice house. Everyone with a job and money. Just-hating-everyone.
Feeling “I HATE THE UNIVERSE!”
Dwelling for any length of time on how bad things are in my life (and they are bad), inevitably lands me in “I hate the Universe” ground. I’m reminded yet again not only of how bad everything is, and has been up to now, but also of the Universe’s downright indifference towards me. I ask for help, and things only get worse. I ask for help again, and I get the same thing. The mantra “(God) helps those who help themselves” begins to ring very hollow.
So feeling that the Universe was against me. On everybody else’s side, but against “me”. For not giving me a break. For not helping me out. Etc.
Feeling “I hate myself and my life”
Yeah. ‘Cuz if you hate everybody, and you hate the Universe… then self-loathing is present there as well.
Lots of “my life is horrible! It’s been horrible forever! Decades of misery! I just want to die, I cannot take this anymore”. Like that.
Feeling like sending the Revolution to Kingdom Come
Whenever I dwell in “my life is horrible”, especially when I’m not doing anything to make it less horrible, like when I’m in bed with a cold, I feel like sending Feminism, the Left and the entire world to… visit their grandma.
A part of me starts screaming “THE HELL WITH THE REVOLUTION! WHAT ABOUT ME! My life! Why should I care so much about the world? Damn the world! Let other people give a damn, the people with comfortable lives and homes! Let THEM take care of the world! I’m OUT”
Ah, yes, the old “lazy” chestnut. There’s still this voice inside me (ie: a monster) that chastises me for not working hard enough. Being unemployed pretty much means that I’m never working “hard enough”, because if I were, the voice says, then “I’d have a job” or “I’d make money”.
So. These are some of the “feelings” or “patterns” I noticed during my cold-meltdown.
I also learnt a thing of two. Which might make the process easier the next time round… Techniques to make the process “bearable”. Or at the very least, “useful”, as in “I’ve learnt this about myself”.
I’ll leave those for tomorrow.