“I’m going to be alone forever, ain’t I? I am going to be single and alone forever because I just hate other humans.”
That’s quite literally what I said. While in a fit of rage, I should add.
And then I paused.
Let’s me backtrack…
I had signed up for Charles Eisenstein’s course. That day, I got assigned a “group”.
Yep. The administrators have randomly selected complete strangers for us to hang out with as a group. Together. We can have discussions and share stories… and stuff.
So I get my notification “You have been assigned to a group”.
I check out the other members of my group and quickly assume they are all total losers.
Then I promptly chide myself for being so judgemental.
I don’t actually remember the “spark” that triggered it all, but it wasn’t long after that I found myself saying:
“I hate everyone! I’m going to be alone forever, ain’t I? I am going to be single and alone forever because I just hate other humans.”
If you had been looking at me, you would have heard a woman talking to herself (I was talking to my Imaginary Friend, actually) followed by silence.
That silence is the most important part
Here’s what happened inside that silence:
Me: “I just hate other humans”
I notice what I just said, and the anger inside it.
OK, I am clearly angry here. It’s OK to be angry. Legitimacy.
More pausing. More legitimacy. It’s OK to hate other humans.
This is obviously not from now. I don’t have to figure it out right this second, but it doesn’t look like it’s from now.
No, this looks like it’s from school. I don’t have to figure it out now, but it looks like it’s from then, not from now.
Let’s create some more space (ie: pause) by stepping away from the computer and doing something else.
I check with myself: do I want to read? No. Let’s go to the kitchen.
I start cleaning, and I start writing in my head.
I stop cleaning and go back and write what’s in my head.
What came out was an impassioned speech on how school traumatises the sensitive types. Like me.
In fact, while I was inspecting the new group I had been assigned, I distinctly remember a memory showing up, something regarding school and working in groups. But I didn’t pause then, so the emotions escalated.
Of course, now that I’m not in the middle of the emotion, I can see clearly that I have just about tons and tons of trauma from those days.
So many pain stories from school…
I remember panicking whenever I was assigned to a group because I wouldn’t get along with the other group members.
I remember the teachers telling us to “choose people to form a group with” and of course, that led to me panicking because what if nobody wants me in their group.
I remember the trauma of talking in front of the class, because every group member had to do so, and… what if I let the group down.
I remember panicking whenever we went on field trips because I didn’t know whom I would sit next to on the trip.
Keep in mind that these are all story lines I “remember”. I can roughly estimate that there are a chinchillion more story lines I don’t remember, that go way way deeper.
Here’s what I think is important to remember:
When the “pain stories” begin to become “conscious”, ie: when you begin to notice them, they will not look… pretty. Or flattering. Or even… “logical”.
A statement like “I hate everyone!” isn’t logical. It’s just trapped emotion trying to find a way out.
And it’s important to get comfortable with not understanding things straight away. And with accepting “unflattering” truths.
In other words, it’s important to get comfortable with letting things be.
And then bringing in the silence. And all the work that happens inside it.