Weekly Log #80: Reeling

This week was spent reeling. Alternatively staring into space in disbelief, crying or fighting the Universe.
Let’s log.

After days of intense agonising, during which I worked with All My Stuff like crazy, it became official. Potential Shooting Star wants to be free, to come and go as they please. It is probably the best possible outcome, and yet, and yet, I fight it. A breath for this.

All My Stuff, and I do mean all of it. I had to use every tool I know, invent some new ones for good measure and pour tons of liquid self-compassion, spill words upon words on my journal and shed tears upon tears, to get the pain moving and the Stuff dissolving. It worked, I think. Today I am calm and mostly-OK about it all. Grateful for this knowledge that has made all the difference to my emotional and mental sanity. I remember what life was like many years ago, before I knew how to work with my Stuff; I remember what this situations would bring up, the degree of internal devastation that just would-not-heal. So yes, today, from this “clear eyed” perspective I can see that the work pays off. Nothing can save you from the pain, but the tools do work, on their own logic.

So much fighting with the Universe this week. Like this: “Universe! Surely you wouldn’t be so mean as to show me Pure Joy and then snatch it away and crumble it all to dust! Surely not, not when you know what I’ve been through! Universe, you didn’t!!!”. Losing all my faith, wanting to give up on life already, the works. It was brutal. A breath for life being brutal sometimes, and triggering all my Stuff.

I didn’t do “anything” this week other than cry and work with my Stuff full time. I also went to the Day Job, where working with my Stuff was extra challenging, made even more challenging due to Day Job being extra demanding. Like a huge pile up of things. I am awarding myself ALL The SparklePoints and Then Some!

Back to my everyday life, after the rush of Pure Joy crumbles to dust. Very challenging, living in this world where “wonder” is not as readily available. I have not even began working with this yet.

Today I took a tiny step towards learning how to play the piano. I am only mentioning it because I want to award myself a Chinchillion SparklePoints at least! I am determined to learn how to play the piano if it kills me.

Friends. Endless support from friends. I don’t even know how it’s possible, but they were there checking in on me, helping me through it just with their presence. I am so, so grateful. I cannot understand this deep pool of compassion, but I am so very glad it exists.

OMG, so many insights, most of them unpleasant.

OK, let’s all remember that the very purpose of situations like this is to bring our Stuff to the surface so we may heal it. So in fact there’s nothing wrong with what we’re going through here, even if it is extremely painful.

The other side of loving with your whole heart is hurting with your whole hurt, right? And at the same time, would I want to not love with my whole heart? This whole experience has been a lesson in learning to love without attachments, without fear, which is as difficult as it sounds.

Let’s witness if all. All the unpleasant things, all the “not quite right” things”, the “messed up and downright crazy” things. Let’s be brave and witness all of them, without running away and pretend we don’t “care”. That’s what we all need, that’s what the wounds need: loving attention, witnessing without judgement.

Someone I trust told me that following your intuition is the path, even if you don’t get what you want. I’m gonna try to remember that, and stop judging my intuition on the basis of “what have we achieved, then”, which makes no sense. Intuition points, it doesn’t rearrange the Universe to meet our desires.

What if I am meant to feel what I’m feeling? What if there’s nothing wrong with feeling what I’m feeling?

I just read this internet meme: “It’s hard to miss people. But you know, if you miss them it means you were lucky. It means you had someone special in your life, someone worth missing.” OMG! This is so true! Cheesy, perhaps, but true. I knew someone worth missing! Yes.

Only 2 Un-missables this week, and small ones at that.

Maya Angelou: “Be a Rainbow in Someone Else’s Cloud”. Beautiful. Wisdom to take with you. You are never alone: you can call on everyone who has shown kindness to you, at any time.

“Caring too much. That’s the curse of the working classes”, by David Graeber. Pretty much, and enough said. I’ve found this to be true: the poor care more than the middle classes. One day I will write all about this.

A log logged! On a week of Excruciating, Annihilating Pain!
All the SparklePoints for me!!!

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