Extremely late log due to extreme circumstances.
I am hurting all over, so this log will be more like a tiny branch.
- I have been burning bright all week due to the presence of this Potential Shooting Star. Now, “burning bright” might seem all lovely, but trust me, it isn’t. It feels just like burning, yet what is catching fire is one’s karmic patterns. Crying impossible tears, suffering impossible fears, staying present with it all to try and find Truth. Hopefully it has led to some healing, though right now I can’t tell. A breath for this.
- Work, work, work. I just received my payslip and it is higher than I thought it would be, and that makes me very happy. Something about my present life does not suck! I mean, it does suck, but not as much as I thought, and today I am willing to settle for any sign of non-suckage.
- Potential Shooting Star turned out to be a Very Real Human, full of all the realness and humanness characteristic of persons. This has proven to be extremely challenging, dealing with this relentless realness, which lead to all kinds of burning. A breath for this.
- Very Real Human’s wants and needs appear to be irreconcilably opposed to mine. This has led to all kinds of pain, and I am experiencing extreme sadness. Another breath.
- All my past patterns showing up. Because why not! It’s not like I’ve been committed to this self-healing journey for the past 5 years! Oh, wait, that’s right! I have been bloody committed to this self-healing journey for the past 5 years! And yet, it seems like the more you work with your patterns, the more they f*cking show up, and these past few days they have been showing like crazy, leading me to think that a) all my work has been a waste of time and b) things will never change for me. Another breath for what is.
- I want a t-shirt that reads “Death. Because fuck this shit”. Yes, I am being dramatic. I am allowed to be dramatic right now!!!
- Oh God, I really liked this Very Real Human, and I am in so-much-pain. A breath for this. Actually, let’s also have a few shots of Imaginary Alcohol, because breaths are seriously not cutting it.
- Support from friends. Truly, I have no idea how this is even real. I have so many friends in my life, and they show so much support, and it blows my mind in a good way, because 5 years ago I did not have a single one. Let’s have a “Hell Yeah” for progress in the Friends’ front.
- Aargh! Aargh! Aargh! Yes, this is a thing, it’s currently going on in my subconscious, so I’m logging it.
- Met up with Super Friend and we went to a posh cafe, and I had poached eggs for the first time in my life. I love Super Friend so much, there are no words.
- All the issues with my digestion. Like, all of them. My digestive system appears to agree with my t-shirt, and has gone all “fuck this shit”. But, you know, with actual shit. Yes, I am being rude, whatever, I don’t feel well and I’m allowed!
- Moment of Magic with this Very Real Human, leading to warmth in my Heart chakra. It was so wonderful, and I would like to take this with me, if I can.
Moments of Insight
My insights this week have been horrible. So there.
- You can’t make people like you when they don’t like you. DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN’T MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHEN THEY DON’T LIKE YOU??? Well yes, it’s true! And this lesson refuses to stick, apparently, because it just comes up again and again.
- I find it extremely challenging to put up with the uncertainty of “yes or no? YES OR NO???”.
Staying in the question, again and again. That’s life for you, because life is this very uncertain thing between two very certain things, Being Born and Dying.
- If I could give people spiritual advice, in the simplest form possible, that would be this: let your heart break. You can’t help it anyway. The more you try to hold on to the pieces, the more you try to stop the obliteration of your heart, the more you delay the inevitable, causing more damage to your life in the process.
You won’t be able to stop your heart from breaking. Over and over, in small ways and not-so-small ways. Every form of disappointment brings heartbreak, a process as painful as it is inevitable. Every instance of “life is not going the way I want” brings heartbreak.
Don’t hold on… Just let go and accept that life is like this, sometimes. Heartbreak is on the cards for everyone.
And maybe, just maybe, after the heart breaks, more light will stream in. And what will emerge from the rubble is a bigger heart, capable of holding more love… And yes, more pain. A stronger heart, a healthier heart. That is, until the next time it breaks.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
What? Un-missables at a time of Extreme Circumstances??? OK, maybe just one.
“People seek to “change the world” through activism on four different levels, no matter what the activism’s focus: the personal, the family, the community, and the world-tribe.”
I used to separate activism into “political” and “personal”, but then my thoughts got muddled and I gave up on it all. It’s nice to see other people thinking about this.
I don’t know how this log got logged, seeing as I am in so much pain, but I am here and I did it, so I am awarding myself ALL the sparklepoints and then some.
I am also channeling some light and healing, while being very patient with myself.