This week was full of silence.
Last week the dreams were gone… and they haven’t come back.
I have never been so silent in my life, and my dreams have never been so… absent from my thoughts.
I am terrified.
At times I’m convinced this is just my heart’s response to needing a break from the never ending bleeding, open wound style, that comes from forever wanting something that remains out of reach.
Occasionally it occurs to me that I might be in the right place… Or something.
I’m alive, I am breathing, I am here. And I am logging.
Let’s do this.
- I’m away, on my own. I spend the days not interacting with anyone. It’s like a silent retreat. And I’m hoping it will be good for me.
- Writing more on “Following Your Passion”, then getting stuck in the editing part. Hoping it becomes something beautiful.
- Sadness at the absence of dreams. A breath for hope, especially when it’s absent.
- Reading “Eat, Pray, Love”. Simultaneously hating it and learning from it. A breath for patience.
- No energy. No desire. No feelings. Lethargy. A breath for self-compassion.
- Trouble sleeping. A breath for peace.
- Cuddling the Oscar the cat, aka: Osquito. Yay for cuteness and sweetness.
- I doodled. One whole page! After years of not putting pen or brush to paper! A breath for gentle beginnings.
- Unexpected advice from someone super kind. Yay for unexpected kindness.
- Slowly getting back to meditating regularly. Yay for gentle progress.
Moments of Insight
I have been reading Esme Wang’s work.
Esme has an incurable mental illness. And yet, she carries herself and her work with impeccable grace.
It’s not about saying “I used to have a mental illness, but now I don’t, and I can show you how”.
It’s about “I have this illness, and this is how I bring grace into my life.” In her words, it’s about “living well with mental illness”.
What does this have to do with me? But of course.
I struggle with depression. (I don’t think that’s going to surprise anyone)
And the reason is that I am super sensitive and super smart.
I usually feel super guilty over not having cured my depression for good (I mean, how dare I?!). But what if it can’t be cured?
What if the goal isn’t to help people cure their depression, but rather help people live well with their smart and highly sensitive selves?
What if the goal wasn’t to reach some impossible life standard, but rather, to be the most graceful and healthiest you can be within your sensitivity?
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
- Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, by Susan Cain.
I have been reading (well, listening to the audiobook) “Quiet”. Turns out, I am far more introverted and sensitive than I thought! Who knew!!! And it also turns out that the world seriously favours the extroverted type! With disastrous consequences for everyone! (Again, who knew?!?)
Plus, she explores the whole Highly Sensitive Person thing, so if you are an HSP, it might be worth to read the book.
I did it! Another week of logging! I am amazed at myself.
Announcement: I am writing about the whole “following your passion” thing. Why we feel the pull and what it means to the transition the world is in at the moment, linking it to the “Old Story” and the “New Story” that Charles Eisenstein talks about. I hope it’s ready soon, so if you want to be amongst the first to find out, make sure to subscribe.