Another week, and my emotional/mental state remains the same.
I still cannot be bothered with much.
Gearing myself up to write another grim log.
- Absolutely no progress on my writing, or anything related to my “life purpose”. This is its own kind of pain, and it breaks my heart in ways I cannot describe.
- I’m at a place where no words can reach me. Other people’s writing feels flat, boring, trite; meaningless platitudes and inanities for the vapid brain. (yes, I’m using a thesaurus, I don’t care). Talk to me about the heart-ripping pain of watching your dreams burn to ashes, of enduring life devoid of intimacy, of keeping the heart open only to survive blow after goddamned blow of pain and failure. Instead they talk about entrepreneurship with glitter, and spirituality with glamour, and all I can think is “there is no space for me and the messiness of my existence within your goddamned sanitised, white washed Instagram conversation”. I don’t care if they make millions while I subsist on peanuts, their words are not reaching me. They are sacrificing Truth at the altar of Status.
- I attempted some soul meeting, and maybe that led to internalising a few insights. I would like to think so, anyway.
- I had no marbles at work this week. It was dreadful. Other people are having romance-stuff and it triggers all my stuff because I have no boundaries. I feel sad for them, I feel sad for myself, and before I know it I am trying to fix everyone’s problems, and telling them to do yoga. Which never works.
- I got a new pan today. Finally. And I am now subscribed to Ekhart Yoga, and I hope this helps me to strengthen and expand my yoga practice, which has been suffering partially due to the cold weather.
- Disillusionment has reached critical levels. I am constantly asking having conversations with the Universe that look like this: “Universe, why are you such a stingy asshole?!? I understand it if you don’t give me a boyfriend, or a job. But why won’t you respond to my cry for inner peace? WHAT GIVES?!?!”. Nobody ever tells you this when you study spirituality. Guess what! Sometimes the Universe is a stingy asshole, miracles are non-existent, and your cry for inner peace and a stable mental/emotional state go completely unanswered. And then you despair, which is where I am right now.
- Asking the Universe to please be done with this incarnation of mine. Seriously tough stuff.
- My heart is completely closed. So, so closed. I don’t believe anything is possible for me, I don’t care about anything or anyone. A breath for this.
Moments of InsightNOPE
I have no insights to report this week.
Though after a 10 minute cry in the toilet at work (I had seriously lost it), I got the sense from Wiser Me that I need to be more “badass”, more “ruthless”, and not care so much about things.
I don’t know if this is an insight, because it may not be “Truth”, but it got me through a shift at work after a meltdown, and so it has points.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
This log would probably win as the most bare with the most despair.
Oh well, this is how things are right now.
(I’m not capable right now of asking the Universe for… well, anything, but if you can, and would like to ask for me, I would greatly appreciate it)