I was telling my friend today that I had given up hope on anything and everything, and he said “don’t be despondent”.
Despondent is the very word I’ve been looking for to explain how I feel. And it’s a fabulous word. Despondent!
- Week started off with a terrible job interview. A breath for the pain of not fitting in to the world of job.
- I had another job interview, to work at the homeless shelter. I can’t, I just can’t. A breath for the pain of not being able to deal with pain.
- I wasn’t going to the yoga festival, and then I was. Surprise! Manic preparations ensued, tent was procured and packing got done. A breath for not panicking, and for speedy action. And gratitude for the last minute lift offered to me that allowed me to go to the festival.
- The yoga festival. Also known as “all the stuff gets triggered over and over”. And yes, then I got to work with it, but my god, it was hard. A breath for being where I am.
- Hanging out with people, non stop. For 3 days. People, people and oh-yes, more people. Way too much human interaction for this introvert. A breath for being on my own, finally.
- Reverting to “Teenage Mary” at this festival. For real. Last year, I reverted to “Child Mary”, possibly due to the fact that one of my yoga teachers is an 8 feet tall Aries man who reminds me of my mother. This time I reverted to cynical, sarcastic Teenage Mary, also known as “the Daria Years”.
- I set up the tent myself. Um, yeah. And then I slept in it, under the storm. I panicked quite a bit, and called my friend in desperation, but everything turned out well, and I even managed to sleep and all. Go me!
- Someone got in touch just to send lovely words. I have no words, only gratitude.
- Still going through the “Despondent State”, but I am writing this log, and that is something. A breath for what is.
Moments of Insight
One yoga teacher said, at the start of the hip opening class: “don’t be afraid to feel, we are here to feel, not to not feel”, and I thought “this is a metaphor for life”.
And my yoga teacher said “love with little “l” cares about things like looking good”, and that made me realise “yes, this is what I care about, and I want to feel Love, capital “L””.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
- This post about women and desire. It’s a topic near and dear to my heart, and I am sure that one day, when I know more about this in my own personal story, I will write about it. (Assuming I am still a writer, you never know. I might give up completely).
Another log logged, even though I am still in “Despondent State”.
Tiny victory, but meaningful anyway. Points to me!