ditch the costume

Valentine’s Day Rhapsody

ditch the costume

“Who will want me? Who could possibly want *me*, with this ugly face, messy body, terrible present and traumatised past?
I look in the mirror and the “truth” is clear. There, on my face: nobody will love me. That’s just the way it is.
I’m going to be single forever.
Damn.

Who could ever love me?
I must do something.
What do I need to do? Show off my body? Wear make up? Do things I don’t want to do, pretend to be someone I’m not?”

Because it sucks, OK?

It sucks to be single. And to want love. And to be ugly and to know you’re ugly.
And so you try harder.

For surely nobody will like you as you are.
And you bring on the glitter and the make up and the clothes, and the whole charade makes you feel like you’re wearing some kind of costume.
You are compensating for what you don’t have. For your… unworthiness. For all those things that make it almost impossible for someone to love *you*.

You don’t trust yourself, you don’t trust the whole “be yourself” thing, and why would you? Right? Being yourself hasn’t worked well so far. So you take in other people’s advice and put on the costume. They know better, because they are not you, and that means they have found love.
And you go and wear the costume of “attractive woman”, which you know is more like “garish woman trying hard” and you feel awkward and you act entirely out of character… Wait, no: you act IN character, for the “character” is not you.

“Trying to compensate for the size of her mouth and breasts”.
(By the way, Sherlock, what you said to Molly? NOT COOL!!!)

The whole “trying really hard to attract a man”, until it almost doesn’t matter which man it is. Any man will do.

I blame dating advice

It tells you that with the right kit you can turn a “no” into a “yes”.
And maybe you can.

But what nobody tells you is that the “no” is meant to be a “no” for a reason.
You can’t turn a “no” into “yes” and expect it to work.
Everyone attracted to you and your costume is fundamentally not attracted to *you*.
They will want to interact with this… shell of you. And you will feel hollow and… used.

You are not a shell. You are not a costume.
And you are not something that needs to be improved upon with glitter and make up.

Yes, even if your face looks all wrong. And you mouth is all twisted. And your breasts are tiny, and you arse is fat.

This is YOU

Even if your life looks entirely wrong “on paper”, well… this is your life.
Even if your body looks entirely wrong “on camera”, well… this is your body.

We are talking about *you* here; because that’s who you need to turn to when you’re in this state.

When you feel lonely and… “single”. When you are crying out in the dead of night for someone to hold you and make you feel loved and safe.
When there is no one there… you have to be the “One”.

Except that this is CRAP

And I’m sorry, because this may sound really poetic and stuff but it’s crap.

Yes, nobody tells you this. People just say asinine things like “love yourself”, as if you could just look in the mirror and see a face different to the one you actually have. Or as if you could suddenly have a life different to the one you actually have.

As if “loving yourself” was something that happened without a F*CKLOAD OF TEARS.
And it isn’t.

You will cry. Because there’s pain there. Otherwise, you would be loving yourself already.
And you would be happy on your own, and the concept of “single” wouldn’t be present in your consciousness at all.

I don’t know if any of this is actually possible. I’ve heard of people learning to love themselves, but I’m a skeptic by nature, and until it happens to me, I will keep it in the… “stuff that happens to others” folder.

So, I don’t know whether it is possible to go from bursting into tears at the sight of your face to… “loving yourself”.

But I do know this: it is possible to turn to yourself. And to turn to your heart.

This much is possible

No, you won’t find the experience “blissfully divine”. Unless you are very, very lucky.

If you’re like me, you will find yourself sobbing madly and going all “I don’t want to, waaaah, why couldn’t I be normal, waaaah, why couldn’t I look like a normal person, waaaah”.

And then, like a mad person reaching the end of the labyrinth, you will be out of options; you’ll have nowhere else to go. So you will “sink” into your heart.

And it won’t be pretty. And it won’t make you feel unicorns. But it will be healing, and sometimes that’s all we can hope for.

This whole “wanting love” thing? It makes you human. Or rather, it makes you a more… “open hearted” human. There is less “shell”.

And that sucks… at times. Often.

But it’s more “real”. And it’s more… “honest”.

So yes: it will suck at times. That’s why so few people do it.

Do it anyway.

Ditch the costume. Be yourself.

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