Sometimes people are so kind to me that I just… can’t… take it.
I break. I burst into tears.
It’s too much.
It’s also important, and necessary.
Breaking and bursting into tears
I like to think of it as “growing my heart”, preparing myself for receiving greater and greater love.
I don’t have the best track record at “receiving” love.
I’ve been in 3 abusive relationships after all. And I’m determined to not be in any more.
So, growing my heart it is. Preparing myself for receiving greater and greater love.
Actually, let’s talk about abusive relationships for a minute
I do not believe that the reason some people end up in abusive relationships is because they are unable to receive love, or they have “stuff”, or they have some internal work to do.
This is only part of the reason.
Another part surely has to do with dumb luck.
Some people are not good at receiving love at all, and have “stuff” up the whazoo, and they still manage to find partners who are kind, supportive and who adore them to bits.
And while yes, the Course in Miracles does say that relationships are assignments so we can grow, learn, etc, it does not say “you didn’t learn the lessons the way everyone else did, you naughty child, and therefore you shall be punished with abusive relationships”.
This is important to clarify, because it is an easy trap to fall into.
Yes, I have stuff and therefore I ended up in abusive relationships.
No, abusive relationships didn’t happen exclusively because I have stuff.
Everyone has stuff. Everyone.
So there has to be more to it than that.
This is probably one of them “truths” that we will only understand after we are gone, since our human brains cannot quite wrap themselves around it.
For some people the lessons show up as abusive relationships. For some people they show up as having enough money to go on holidays 4 times a year.
Life is weird like that.
And sh!t happens not because we have “screwed up”, but because sh!t just happens. First Noble Truth of the Buddha. (for real)
Receiving love can be challenging
And now, back to looking at how uncomfortable it can be to receive kindness and love. And praise.
All things I crave, much like every other human on the planet.
Yet when they show up, I predictably burst into tears.
I can’t take it. I break.
It’s too much.
It’s ultimately OK because All Emotions Are Legitimate
See, this is why I am such a strong proponent for the idea that All Emotions Are Legitimate.
We live in a world Hell bent on clinging to the “positive” emotions and banishing the “negative” ones.
I have always called bullshit on this.
Of course receiving love can be uncomfortable.
And crying and snivelling like a madwoman, while asking “but whyyy do people like me when I am so worthless?!?!?! *cries some more*” is not pleasant. It’s uncomfortable. It’s painful.
And it is healthy. It has to happen.
I need to do this.
And crying aids release. I am actively releasing… oh, Heaven knows what.
Old stories, old patterns. Old ideas about what love is, and what I need to be and do before I can receive love. All of that needs to be cleared away.
To make space for the new.
I need to get better at receiving love
I need to get better at receiving love.
I need to grow my heart so that it can contain more love.
This has to happen.
Not just because I don’t want to end up in another abusive relationship (that’s true), but because I want to be fully alive, I want to be joyful. I want to live the kind of full colour, vibrant, adventurous life I always dreamt of living.
And I cannot do that with a closed heart.
So, here I am. Crying. And taking it slow.
Never putting myself through more than I can handle.
Growing my heart a little more each time someone shows me love and kindness.
And trusting that it is working, because at times I forget.