This is one of those rare posts where I share my process.
This is what happened. I was day dreaming, as I often do, and catching myself doing so (thank you, mindfulness). I was in resistance, simultaneously enjoying the day dreaming and beating myself up for it.
And we know what Havi says… “When you struggle with yourself, the struggle always wins”.
So I opened a new document on the laptop and started to write.
I ended up having a conversation with “Wiser Me”, who gave me a bunch of wise advice.
Here’s what I wrote:
I was feeling pretty good, and day dreaming a wonderful dream.
And since I was reading Havi’s journal, for a dose of magic, I thought “maybe I should write about this day dreaming, and process it properly”.
But I had resistance.
So I didn’t do it.
And the only reason why I am now writing about this is because my thoughts started going sour and taking a turn for the worse. So I am exploring the possibility that the reason for this is… the resistance I had to talking about this day dream.
Ugh. I don’t actually want to admit to this day dream, because it’s embarrassing.
I’ve written before about my secret dreams. It brings up pain when I go back to my writing of 4 (fucking) years ago and I witness how all those dreams have gone entirely unrealised. So that seems to be the (fucking) process: I have resistance about writing about my dreams, but I carry on and write about them, because it’s important that I process stuff mindfully (and shit) and it’s important to give space and legitimacy to my dreams and all that.
And then whoosh, 4 (fucking) years go by, and my dreams have remained the most uttermost “nada”, so I now have shame and resistance about dreaming again, nevermind writing about it.
A Smart Person, say, “Wiser Me”, would say that the reason for the writing is to “give space and legitimacy to my dreams”, and at least I’ve done that.
Me: Yes, but it’s sad that I was writing about all my dreams and they didn’t happen.
Wiser Me: Why is it sad?
Me:Duh, because I wanted them to happen.
Wiser Me: Yes, I know, that’s what makes them dreams. But why is it “sad”?
Me: I guess it’s because I was idiotically wanting things to just “manifest” through me doing some writing on them…
Wiser Me: AH. Yes. Attachment…
Me: Well, yes. AND let’s face it, so much of this “spirituality” based work tells you that you must fill your consciousness with what you want, blah blah, manifesting crap, etc.
Wiser Me: Yes. And, I don’t care what other people say. I care about what you find out, on your own.
Me: But that’s precisely it. Every thought brings me back to “The Universe is clearly SHIT and doesn’t care about me at all”. I don’t know what to do about that.
Wiser Me: Don’t do anything. It’s too difficult anyway.
Me: You don’t understand! There’s too much pain! I can’t own this dream, I just can’t!!!
Wiser Me: I get it. And I also get that we are on a path to own all parts of our consciousness. Including the part that dreams wonderful things, and the part that thinks it’s all bullshit, and the part that wishes that simply dreaming would make things happen.
Me: I wish I didn’t have to dream things. I wish things would just happen.
Wiser Me: *smiles*
Me: Yeah, I get it, I would dream anyway, no matter what happened.
Wiser Me: You are staring at something that used to be a dream. It is right there, literally at your fingertips.
Me: Yes, but it didn’t happen in a magical way, only in a “practical” way. I had to work and save money, nothing magical about that”.
Wiser Me: I think the goal is to add more magic into the world, and the way to do that is by literally assigning “practical” things the role of “magic”.
Me: That feels kinda bullshit
Wiser Me: Maybe. But think about it. If you were to meet Mr Soulmate tomorrow, it would happen in very “practical” ways.
Wiser Me: If you make the “processing” the goal, you can’t fail at it. If you make the “getting” the goal, then yes, maybe, since that is not up to you.
Me: I do get that. And at the same time, I cannot imagine a life where I didn’t feel attachment to this dream.
Wiser Me: Let’s go back to the First Trauma. What were we doing?
Me: “I was trying to force myself, literally, physically, into what culture told me to accept. I was forcing myself to accept that “this is what’s normal, this is as good as it gets”.
So I guess part of the First Trauma was the disowning of what I wanted in favour of what culture told me to “settle for”.
Wiser Me: And in that light, the “owning” of the dream is what healing is all about.
Me: “So… what do I do”
Wiser Me: Own it. Own the life you want. Not because you might have it, but because it’s part of your “Internal Landscape” or “Internal Culture”.
Me: “If only it had a designated space of sorts, or a story.”
I know, right? How funny is it, that even though this story has taken over your internal landscape completely, since as far back as you can remember, it doesn’t have a “designated space”.
(It might be time to give this story its own designated space.)
Wiser Me: The only way to have a life you really, really want is to be really, really un-attached to it. It can’t happen any other way. Not through “rejection”, which is really attachment by another name. “Rejection” is only saying “I want this thing, but I can’t bear how much I want it, I can’t own the wanting, so I am pushing it away”. If the life you really want were to shop up tomorrow, your only shot in Hell would be in really, really, REALLY letting go of wanting and grasping and clinging to it.
And now I have points. Points!
- Processing doesn’t always “work”, in the sense that you don’t always get answers that satisfy. And we still have to do it, because processing is how we “digest” what happens in our internal world.
- “Wiser Me” doesn’t always show up, thought it’s nice when she does. (Also, for the record, my first attempts at talking to “Wiser Me” ended in disaster, and it’s taken me a good 4 years to do this properly). I can always ask her to, but I may not hear anything particularly “wise” or “useful”. It’s usually a sign that I’m not ready to hear things, that I’m still in pain and I need to do some more “allowing” of the pain to be there, without fighting.
- On that note, I’ve been allowing the pain of “not dreaming” to be there for so long, like, years and years. Sometimes it appears to be getting more and more intense. In that sense it doesn’t seem like it’s “working”. That said, I trust that this is the right thing to do, because I can see myself dreaming wilder and wilder things with my “eyes wide open”. I used to “dream with my eyes shut”, which is a way of saying “I dreamt unconsciously”. I want to be able to be clear on what I dream, to do it without shame or guilt, and then, hopefully, to go after what I dream.
And now I am happy. Not just because the healing that this process brought. Not even because I published a post from doing so (yay, post!). But also because, perhaps for the very first time, Wiser Me gave me a clear instruction of what to do: designate space for the dream.
That’s my next step. Designate some sacred space for the dream, so I can keep it in my consciousness and not find myself either repressing it or watching it take over my entire brain.
Hope you found insights in this post.
Love and light.