For this week’s log, I want to write about Big Things that Happened and at the same time I want to Silent Retreat everything that happened.
So I might do both.
Also, I have lost track of which week this log applies to, so I’m just going to log and leave it at that.
- “She’s a writer”. I actively heard those words. I wasn’t meant to hear the words, but I did, and it made me so happy I was positively glowing for a long while afterwards. Even so, I can tell my heart is not big enough to hold this. I know this because I cannot fully take in the magnitude of those words, and when I try to, I feel myself on the verge of tears. I haven’t felt less like a writer in years, I have not written anything in months. And yet someone said “she’s a writer”. May my heart grow big enough to hold this.
- I went to London and got to spend time with Super Friend, the bestest friend I could ask for. We had a blast.
- So much sweetness and glow in London, I wish I was still there. A breath for more opportunities for sweetness and glow.
- [Situation] is now even more confusing, but I don’t care as much anymore. In no small part due to sweetness and glow. I’m learning to be at peace with what is, and that’s no small achievement.
- Miracle Tuesday. A miracle took place on Tuesday. I cannot describe it because it is rather sacred, and also because I fear most people would miss its “miracle-ness”. I remember feeling destiny working through me, while I simultaneously held the thought that it was impossible AND that regardless of what I thought there was nothing I could do. It was a mind blowing experience. And now for the challenge of simultaneously thinking “this means so much” and “this doesn’t mean anything”. The Universe works in paradox.
- Exhaustion. This was the week of so much Exhaustion without a clear cause. I have no idea why I’m so exhausted, so I’m just assuming there is stuff happening under the surface and it’s taking its toll on me.
- I’m experiencing a bout of “depression” of sorts. I had a brief reprieve from it, thanks to [Situation] but it appears to be back. I basically don’t want to do anything that requires me to engage with “life”. It’s the old “I don’t wan to live”. There’s too much grief, and too much is “wrong” and I just want to lay down and be washed by the current. A breath for what is.
- I’m being “invited” back into the world of politics, and the invitation is being held by a very attractive human. I still fight with it, though, because I spent years in the world of politics and felt a lot of neurosis and pain, and above all, never got anywhere. I am sitting with this invitation and asking the Universe for guidance.
- Doing anything takes so much work right now due to this “depression of sorts”. Just writing a single word takes effort. A breath for this existential exhaustion.
Moments of Insight
This week’s insights are puzzling, because I am very puzzled at the moment.
“Love means letting go”.
Every time I think I need to let go, and I allow that feeling to stay, I emerge on the other side loving more deeply, more truly. Letting go actively helps me love more.
At least that’s what I think is going on. All I know is that I have spontaneous bouts of sadness, and I try to let go of this love and then… love comes back stronger and purer.
Also, I am relearning that sometimes saying “yes” to wonderful experiences is challenging, and that’s ok.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
The internet has been a bit lousy lately, so just enjoy this TEDx talk by Barbara Sher, who is brilliant.
“Martha Beck: On Life Coaching, Dreams, And Integrity”. Check out this interview with Martha Beck, full of wisdom as always. Example:
You only suffer if you refuse to question the belief system that’s causing the suffering
“Because I love you”. A pretty poetic, wise and true description of what real love is like.
Oh, I’m wishing ease and peace so much. I want to emerge from this bout of “depression of sorts”, I want to be well and I want to have energy.
May this be so.