Nothing much happened this week… but there were a lot of fairy tales.
It’s logging time.
- I’ve been feeling pretty good lately. The heaviest feelings seem to have paused. A breath of gratitude for this. I feel mostly at peace.
- I’ve discovered this tv series called “Once Upon a Time”, and I’ve been hopelessly addicted to it. It’s a great way to explore the subject of fairy tales, something I feel strongly and ambivalently about.
- Work. It’s just… boring and work-y. I swear I have moments when I feel a certain deep seated “sickness”, and I don’t want to serve another coffee in my life. Grateful for 3 days off in a row.
- So many feelings and thoughts about [Situation], and yet there is nothing much to say. I am confused, I am sick, I am learning and I am growing. I feel “up and down” all the time, and I realise I am the one doing it. May I continue to learn and grow from it. May I trust that all is well.
- I went to a rally to support Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the Labour Party and wonder man with heart. I had not been to a “protest” in a long time, and old feelings and thoughts showed up. I still don’t know how to engage with this part of my life, all these thoughts about politics and how the world works. And interestingly enough, [Situation] is bringing them to the forefront. Thank you, Universe, you can be real subtle.
- Dinner with friend! Car adventure with Super Friend! A sunny Sunday spent with Spiritual Friend, who showed up unexpectedly at my coffee shop, invited me over and listened to all my worries and gave invaluable counsel. Grateful for friends.
- The Game is Rigged. During my days off, it especially lands on me that the game is rigged, and it is impossible to do all the things we think we “should” do. Our expectations are completely out of alignment with our human capacity. So far all I’m doing with this is noticing when it shows up, and giving myself space because I am still not anywhere near “full capacity” due to reasons, and I cannot have unrealistic expectations, it’s not fair on me.
- I was unexpectedly contacted by an agency looking for an office person fluent in Spanish. I even had an interview over the phone. I am assuming, by their silence since then, that I didn’t get the position, but it was interesting nonetheless. Even before the interview, I was full of this feeling of “ugh, I don’t really want to work full time, in an office, doing something I don’t care about, no matter whether I make so much more money, I don’t really want this”. No idea what I would have done if I had been offered the job, but it’s useful information about what I want and don’t want.
- I am so excited about [Upcoming Situation] and I can’t stop thinking about it, which scares me because “What if everything goes wrong and it all hurts and it gets too much and I suffer AGAIN?!?”. May I stay grounded, may I keep my heart open, may I have the appropriate boundaries. And may life happen to me, because I am here to live, after all, and I can’t spend my life in my bedroom.
- I am worried about my “spiritual practices”, since I am not keeping up with things like meditation and I feel very much in a plateau. I want to go deeper, but I don’t know how, or whether it is advisable at this moment. May I trust the rhythm of life.
Moments of Insight
This week’s insights were small.
I realised that “spiritual bypassing” isn’t something arrogant yoga people do, but rather it’s the inevitable consequence of having experienced 5 seconds of inner peace, and wanting to get there again, fast, this time avoiding the messy inner work.
We are human. We tasted peace. Of course we want to get there again, and possibly stay there. We want to skip the heart wrenching pain of working with our stuff. We want to “force” our way into inner peace. We’ve been there before, surely we know the shortcut?
Maybe there is no shortcut. I do believe that once we tasted peace the whole process gets easier, but we can’t force it. In other words: we can’t get to inner peace but forcing happy thoughts.
That I, of all people, would be forcing happy thoughts on myself is unbelievable. And yet, it is happening, because I want to get to peace already, I know what it tastes like, and I don’t want any more “inner work”.
That’s ok, it makes sense. And yet, I can’t force an “internal state” on myself just because inner peace is preferable to suffering.
May I learn to embrace all of it.
And on a smaller side note… I realised that one very big pattern of mine is staying in my bedroom not doing anything, not going out, not living life, because I’m very, very afraid.
That’s one of the things my parents used to say to me, years ago. And I’m still doing it.
So. May I get better at going out there and living life, letting life happen to me. May I get better at dealing with the fall outs.
A Somewhat Odd Announcement
This week I had a kind of revelation, which led me to a resolution: should I ever find myself in a relationship, I won’t tell anyone.
Seriously. I’m done.
I’m done of this sick game us women get into, where we use men’s love as “ego currency”. Where we try to outdo each other, all based on who has earned the most “approval” from a man.
I realised that even though I have never wanted to be part of this game, I am still in it because the larger culture is in it, and I won’t just get off it by “disagreeing” with it. I need to be properly off.
I’m therefore out of the game. I am not playing anymore.
If I find myself in a relationship, I won’t be telling anyone.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
The internet has been a bit lousy lately, so just enjoy this TEDx talk by Barbara Sher, who is brilliant.
My logs keep taking way too long, and I don’t know why.
This one showed up unexpectedly, in the middle of the week, because life is like that sometimes.
Wishing grounding and peacefulness.