Surprise! It’s skip-a-week log! Because I couldn’t even at the start of the week, and then the log took too long.
We’re here now, and that’s what matters.
- It wasn’t a good week, but then again, I’m not in a good place right now. The title of this log “Deeper into Sadness” is a reference to a process I decided to go through during the weekend. I had had enough of having “one foot in hope one foot in surrendering” so I made a commitment to go fully into grief and “letting go”. It was… interesting. When I was sad, I could remind myself that I was going deeper into sadness, so feeling sad was the exact right thing to be feeling. I also arrived at some insights, which I hope will have shifted something.
- I’ve started a new book, the next on the “Fairyland” series. It’s mind blowing. I’m very grateful to have found this book series, which contains fantasy and the odd spot of philosophy. It’s a rare thing to find.
- Ugh, this weekend. I thought maybe something exciting would happen, but nothing did, and I was in serious despair. Yes, I gained insights, but I was very miserable for a really long time.
- After the weekend things got better, and right now I feel like myself, mostly. Let’s take a moment to be grateful about that.
- Yoga. I am doing yoga regularly, and this is good. And it is flowing easier than ever, even though yes, it is still challenging and there’s still resistance. Let’s take a moment to appreciate how good this is, even if it’s not perfect, and even if it is probably due to the warm weather.
- Piano music is returning, slowly. After [Situation] I basically stopped listening to piano music, which was (is?) my favourite music in the whole world. I am taking this as a good sign.
- How is it possible that [Situation] is still not over?! Sure, I’m learning a lot from it, I am working with all my stuff, burning all the karma. But every time I think “surely this is it, now it’s almost over, any day now” it comes back. It keeps coming back, as if by “Divine Intervention” or something. Just when I think I’m going in circles, not moving forward, in come the insights, and in comes the “Spark” to fuel the story some more. I don’t know what is going on, and I could use some guidance here. Or perhaps it’s all about being at peace with not knowing?
- Yesterday was the Solstice, and a New Moon, so I tried to do a little ritual and asked for blessings and for help releasing things.
- People with their questions, such as “why don’t you get a better job?” and their inability to accept what I tell them “I applied to 320 jobs last year and I got nothing”. People with their bulls!t ideas that I accept without questioning, because I have no boundaries, and which generate cognitive dissonance. Ugh. Is it really necessary to talk to other humans, and can I just not do it anymore?
- The EU Referendum. I mean… I cannot even. I want to say things, and at the same time, I know that the world of politics is not good for me. I have words, I have ideas, but I don’t know what to do with them, or whether I should do something with them. A breath for being in between worlds.
Moments of Insight
This isn’t so much as a “Moment of Insight” as “the running theme on most of my insights lately”.
It is rather summed up in this quote:
“Heartache is the total sum of every conflicting message we have ever received about love. It is a blinding clash of definitions that results in us finding our personal definition of what it feels like to love”.
I’m finding this to be true, about everything. Every time I work through some “stuff”, I arrive at the realisation that I bought in the bullsh!t, and that it’s time to let it go, so it can be replaced by Truth.
It’s not so much “finding out what is true for you” but rather “giving legitimacy to what you always thought to be true”.
Granted, this bullsh!t is everyone. It’s in the culture we live in.
And I take responsibility for having believed in the bulls!t in the first place. I wanted to believe things really are “like that”.
But my experience tells me otherwise. And at some point, after much pain in battling all my patterns and my “stuff”, I arrive at the realisation that well… things are “like this”. And it has to be ok, because it is, and it is *my* experience.
Not just that, but if things are “like this”, it means Life can be “like this”, for I am not separate from Life itself.
And lo and behold, the very definition of “Life” changes.
Perhaps all despair and all heartache is just a Bigger Truth trying to break through. First we break down, then we make peace with the break down, and then, after a long while, our new understanding of Life, the Universe, and Everything includes new pieces we didn’t have before. It’s a Bigger Truth.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
“The Necessity of Heartache”. Here’s the article with the quote I referred to above.
Reinventing Ritual Here’s Charles Eisenstein’s latest podcast, full of the juiciest, most radical truths.
My logs are taking too long, which is something I should explore.
But not today. Today, my job is done.
And I am glad I feel ok-ish.