Ever so slightly late log (ha!) and ever so slightly psychotic.
- Did you know that psychosis can be triggered by severe depression? I had no idea, I *just* found out. Now, to be absolutely clear, I haven’t gone “psychotic” per se. Last Saturday I experienced an extreme and as-yet-unknown form of meltdown, that consisted of violent crying, yelling and vocalising without words, and swearing at the Universe for being an arsehole. I was aware of what I was doing, I was making a conscious choice to let myself feel whatever it was I felt, and to express whatever needed to be expressed. After all, who knows if I wasn’t letting go of something that has been trapped since I was a toddler, which is why I was acting like one? I spent a few hours in this state, and then I went to sleep. In the morning, it lingered for a while, but by the evening I was feeling better. A breath for this experience, for expressing pain on a whole new level.
- Still sad about [Experience]. Yes, still! It’s been a whole month, which means I have survived a whole month, and so I get all the Sparklepoints. One whole month of daily crying. A breath for feelings being what they are.
- News on [project], but it’s confusing and I’m less than thrilled. A breath for the thing you wanted not being what you expected.
- Still very much in the “Space Between Stories”. I don’t know how to “be” anymore. I am not interested in anything life has to offer, I have no “appetite” for life. And just in time, I am experiencing digestive issues, because it’s all related. I have no appetite for food or life. Yay. Not actually yay. A breath for life being endlessly challenging.
- Hanging out with friends. I am grateful for friends, of course, but social interaction brings up a whole host of challenges, and just… argh. A breath for this.
Moments of Insight NOPE, not this week, no major insights to report
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
- “I’m growing tired of happy people”. Me too, sister. Me too.
- “The Pain You Feel is Capitalism Dying”. Mandatory reading for everyone who, like me, keeps wondering why our lives don’t seem to “work”.
- “How to Love”, by Thich Nhat Hanh. Wisdom on Love.
Another difficult week.
I don’t really have anything else to say, I can’t even pray right now for things to get better, since I don’t inhabit the “space” of “hope” that things could ever get better.
I’m going to ask for Light, and leave it at that.