Logging time! And I don’t feel completely terrible! This deserves a mention.
And without further ado… Last Week, in Mary’s World.
- The “Teeth Chronicles” have come to an end… for now, at least. I had three root canals today. Yes, three. Hot dentist said it went the best it could go… So… I’m just praying now. All in all, it wasn’t as painful as dealing with the bureaucracy of the NHS dentistry. Which tells everything one might want to know about bureaucracy in the NHS…
- Survival. As in, I survived today. One week ago I though I could barely make it through one root canal. I survived three. And after my dental appointment, I went to work, which I wasn’t planning on doing. If anyone had told me one year ago that I would be surviving this much today, I wouldn’t have believed them. Self-caring as a way of life is, finally, working. Maybe.
- All the epiphanies! They all decided to show up this week. No idea why, I haven’t done anything differently, but here they are, and I am glad because I missed them.
- I’m gearing up to spending Christmas on my own. I feel ok about this, but I am consciously making space for the pain, in case it shows up needing acknowledgement.
- Operation “Final Countdown” isn’t moving forward as I would like, and the time be upon us soon… A breath for remembering that “All Timing is Right Timing”.
- I discovered the best collection of piano music, containing many of my favourite songs, but played on the piano. I am so happy, I’m like “yo’, humanity, I don’t need anything anymore, byeee”.
- Rejection. It was so, so small, and yet, and yet. It really showed me just how unprepared I am for rejection, which might explain my reluctance to “putting myself out there”, as it where. A breath for this.
- I am going back to my dentist appointment once more to say: I cannot believe I did not have a panic attack today. And I was actually quite calm. It’s as if I reached a place of… “trusting the Universe”. Though I want to write that in quotes because it wasn’t complete and utter trust, it was just this constant reminding myself “it’s in the hands of the Universe now”.
Moments of Insight
So many insights this week! I cannot do justice to them here, of course, because they are insights, but I’ll list them nonetheless.
“Don’t push, don’t try to trample over your fear in order to get what you think you want, that’s violent”.
“Meaning IS love. Sacredness IS love. Mattering IS love”.
“It’s like I lost my faith in the Universe”.
“You can’t help everyone awaken”.
“We are so powerless in the face of fear… I mean, we can use the techniques and all, but fear is so, so strong”.
And probably some more I forgot about or cannot explain in words.
Yay for epiphanies!
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
- Everything and Nothing. Sample quote:
Someone asked if I was angry or disappointed in yoga: wasn’t it supposed to heal me? I certainly have moments of that. But also, no.
No: at some point my practice became a way to work with pain, rather than a fantasy about ‘curing’ it. I tend to think my practice has, largely, healed my fibromylagia. But it hasn’t cured it, and that is okay.
- The Enneagram type 4, “The Romantic”. Pace Smith hits me over the head with my type on the Enneagram. I’m such a 4, I couldn’t be anything else.
- Music Lab Collective. If you were wondering about my latest crush on piano music, here it is. I am in love.
Another log logged and it didn’t take that much time.
It might have something to do with the fact that I feel quite… well. I wouldn’t say “joyful”, but well.
In spite of everything.
If you’re reading this and you celebrate Christmas, I’m wishing you a peaceful, time, full of quiet joy. And love.