My weekly ritual for looking at my the week that was.

This week, the dreams were gone

On Sunday, this was my practice. It came to me spontaneously, because I was dreaming so much.

“Practicing staring at this gorgeous castle, and the impossible void that separates us. Yup. I’m staring at the void. I’m staring at the castle. The castle is gorgeous, oh so gorgeous, and I wish I was there already. And there’s currently this impossible void between us.
On and on and on, without defaulting into “how impossible this void is” and “all the people who tell me that there is no void (ie: “you can make all your dreams come true!”) can go to Hell”.
Over and over acknowledging what I want, crying because I don’t have it, and there’s an Impossible Void between us.”

Then as the week progressed, the dreams quietened more and more, until today, when they went completely silent. No dreams, no hope, no energy… nothing. Complete stillness, being in the present (and not being thrilled about it) and being completely unable to spare one thought about what I might want.
Scary.

And then I had a crying attack. Completely unexpected.
And now… here we are.

Logging in breaths

This week has been challenging, so I am “logging” in breaths like so. (this is something Havi does in her “Friday Chicken”)

• Having pain, so much pain, so much, so much, and not being able to tell anyone, because nobody understands it, everyone thinks I’m “overreacting”, etc. A breath for compassion.

• Everything being still, super still. Wanting movement. A breath for patience.

• So many money worries due to Extreme Poverty (TM). Wanting all the money worries to be over already, and a breath for panicking because I cannot imagine them being over, or even remotely “better” ever, ever. A breath for ease and comfort.

• Having no dreams. Literally. Feeling completely bone dry and numb. The sense that nothing good will ever happen to me, the sense that there is nothing to live for. A breath for staying with what is and letting it be.

• The weather is horrible. The summer has properly ended and I am sad. A breath for trust.

• Christmas is coming and I am dreading it already. A breath for ease.

• Someone is doing something I wish I was doing but can’t. A breath for being comfortable in my own life. (ha!)

• Got inspired to write about the pitfalls of “following your passion”. A breath for surprise!

• Feeling lonely. Sadness about feeling “I’m getting old, and nobody will ever love me, and nothing good will ever happen because I’m too old for nice things!”.

• I want to make nice e-books but I don’t have the resources. A breath for patience.

• A breath for gratitude and love, and how hard it is to experience them.

• A breath for The Grandest Wish and all the pain around it.
  A breath for all the dreams that aren’t coming true, and all the pain that comes from that.

• Unmet needs, so many unmet needs. Basic needs. So much depletion. A breath for the comfort that never seems to come.

Moments of Insight

I was cycling by the sea this weekend, and I was in one of my “moods”. When I thought: “The sea probably loves neurosis”.
Hear me out. You may have come across this “woo woo” practice of giving your “stuff” to “nature”. You give your thoughts, your pain, you sadness, in essence, your neurosis all to the trees, the earth, the sea…
I feel ambivalent about this. But it occurred to me that the sky, the ground, the trees… none of them have “ego”, and therefore, none of them have “neurosis”. Maybe they long for that kind of “excitement” that is forever present in us humans.
This ties in with the other woo-woo concept that says “we are the Universe experiencing itself, and each of us experiences one part of it”.
So as humans, we experience the neurosis and we long for the grounding, steady, calm that we see in nature.
And perhaps nature also longs for the “neurosis” that we humans have so much of.

So. If you give your “stuff” to nature, then perhaps nature will be really happy to receive it.

Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)

• This comic shook my heart.

This is precisely true for me, ever single panel.
If the love of my life showed up tomorrow, with his dark hair, a bow and a friendly smile, I would likely react in the same way, with that very face the cartoon woman wears.
(by the way, if you do know of any dark haired, blue eyed men with a friendly smile, get in touch)

• Barbara Sher’s “Wishcraft”

Also known as “self help to get you to do your thing, minus the BS”.
You can actually read the whole book online, which is awesome.

I heart Barbara Sher. She is one of the few people in the “helping you to change your life” whom I actually trust.

I did it! Go me!!!
All the points for logging a really challenging week!!! *awards points in the form of confetti*

PS: I’ve been writing about the whole “following your passion”, in the context of “the world is undergoing a transformation and it needs us to follow out passion”.
If this is something that you’re interested in, get in touch and let me know.