This week had moments of “this is the fire, the moment of discomfort people talk about”. And I had to be in it, because that’s what you do when you’re in the fire.
- I have stopped feeling “readiness” regarding [Thing] that I want. And I’ve also started plans to get it. So maybe this is how “readiness” works? I stop feeling things, and start doing things? Confusing.
- Then I realised that my ideas about “readiness” are also linked to my being ready to be a writer, all proper like. Interesting that I didn’t think about it before.
- I worked at a wedding, which led me to being “in the fire”. Martha Beck talks about this, being in the fire, and Pema Chodron refers to it as the moment of discomfort when we tighten and shut down. Let me tell you, it’s not fun, to put it mildly. How did working at a wedding lead to being “in the fire”? Because it’s a fricking wedding, where the number of single women is zero (nevermind single men), where everyone my age is married/coupled and with young kids, and where people are actively ending their “single” status by actually getting married. Can you imagine Bridget Jones at a wedding? Exactly. Now keep in mind that this Bridget Jones is an Argentinian woman with Hispanic blood in her veins, a Highly Sensitive disposition and the Moon in Scorpio (ie: very emotional), and also recall that this Bridget Jones has been celibate for 4 years. And if all of this leads you to go “JESUS H FRICKING CHRIST!” then, excellent, it means you can grasp the level of “emotional turmoil” I am in when I work at weddings. IN-THE-FRICKING-FIRE. Nowhere to run, nothing to do but endure the fricking burning.
- Anger. Seriously “WHAT THE F*CK, UNIVERSE, YOU F*CKING BASTARD” levels of anger. I asked at the J-O-B for 4 days without work because I was planning on going to London for 3 days to hang out with Tiny Friend. Then I call the dentist and they tell me I have to go, on Thursday, no buts, it’s important. So I cancel my trip in London and spend 4 days delightfully alone in the flat making zero money. Then I go to the dentist and he tells me that there was no point in me going, because there’s nothing he can do and we are still waiting for my referral to the hospital. So, in short, triple loss: pointless visit to the dentist, missed trip to London, missed money from work. F*CKITY F*CKITY F*CK. I hardly ever swear, but seriously, this kinda BS from the Universe has me dropping F bombs all over the place.
- It is becoming increasingly hard to deny that I am getting… broody. I CANNOT get broody. I am 32, flat broke, single, living in a foreign country and have no career to speak of. I spend my existence already grieving *all the things* I don’t have in my life, ie: financial comfort and safety, loving partner, career success, etc. I cannot imagine adding “grieving absence of children” to the mix. I seriously cannot have any more pain. Asking for a miracle here, for the feeling to find its way out of my system, or for a magical resolution to show up.
- Lately I’ve been caught in the pattern of going to sleep stupidly late. A breath for what is.
- Caught up in the pattern of “I have thoughts, but I can’t write, and I don’t know why”. Another breath for what is.
- Hanging out with Super Friend and Super Friend’s BF, and that was the best of the best because they are so the best that they defy words. Also, burritos. And coffee. Grateful for that one moment where everything feels in harmony, and good things feel possible.
Moments of Insight
This week’s insights had to do with “readiness” and my struggles with it. Like my realisation that I’ve been practicing getting ready for [Thing] I want, and how this might be related to Big Thing I’ve Always Wanted, but I completely forgot about “readiness” in relation to my writing.
Also, I am done with thinking “I am not ready for love”, or “I am not ready for money” because I have “stuff”. I am essentially done with thinking that I am not ready for these things because I haven’t resolved all my stuff, with thinking that “once I resolved all my stuff, then my Soulmate will appear, and money will flow”. This is how it’s presented by some woo woo people, and I cannot get behind this, I am done.
Also, I can only do so much work on my own. The rest is up to the Universe. Every week, every darn week I ask for a miracle, sometimes every day, sometimes several times a day, and I ask for said miracle in any form it wishes to show up. Well, guess what, if the Universe, or “God” doesn’t want to deliver, then there’s nothing I can do. Not up to me. I’ve done the asking. I’m working with my stuff. That’s all I can do.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
- Sara Eckel answers a question that has been bugging me for yonks: why are married people so smug?. Or perhaps not “smug” but why are they so… non-compassionate, why is it that they have something that makes them so happy, and they cannot wish a similar happiness for their friends?
It is now beyond lateness, yet again. And this log was seriously hard.
But I have logged, and I did show up.
*takes deep breaths and wishes for good things*