Late log, but I don’t care because I’m joyful. It’s been a joyful week.
- Grandma “Light” is now Pure Light. Her name was “Luz”, meaning “Light” in Spanish, and now that’s what she is. A breath for sadness, grief and understanding, and the beauty of feeling love.
- Even though I “understand” the logic, “she was almost 90”, “she lived a full life”, “do you just expect your grandma to live forever?!?” there’s still a small part of me that thinks “it’s not fair that my grandma had to die!!!” and “why can’t other people’s grandmas’ die?!?” etc. Comfort for Small Me who feels feelings. Also, comfort and compassion for the part of me who dreamed that her grandparents would watch her walking down the aisle. WELL I GUESS THAT WON’T BE HAPPENING THIS LIFETIME!!! *grumbles grumbles*. A breath for what is, and for the difficult realisation that sometimes dreams don’t come true.
- Friends are back! Their wedding went well! Happy to see them again.
- Things at “work” are… “working”. They are working well! Surprised and grateful.
- Went to the theater… in Bristol. Unexpectedly. W00t?! Yes. Grateful for unplanned opportunities for beauty. And the beauty of topless male dancers.
- The weather. Now words. I am needing a hot water bottle… and it’s July. I-cannot-even.
- Quiet, gentle joy. Man, life is so much easier when I feel… “good”. There’s no “reason” for the joy, my life is exactly the same as it was last week. I might be going through the aftermath of “working with huge stuff and internalising the realisations”, which is what I’ve been doing for the past few weeks. It happens: I go through internal struggle, then I make it to the other side and feel… at peace. Which is not to say, as this culture would have us believe, that this state of joy is the “best” state, or the “goal in life”. It’s just another state, life is made up of many.
- Making delicious meals for myself. Yoga. Being present and feeling good for no reason.
Moments of Insight
This insight is very… “new”, as in, it is landing still, and has been doing so for some time.
It goes against everything I’ve been taught, and everything I used to think.
It may be that I need to focus on what feels good “to me”, if I want to help others.
Like, I actually need to do things for myself, instead of focusing on “what people want”.
This is just… bongo bananas, and I am struggling with it because w00t, but… it keeps coming back. When I do what feels good to me, I do things. When I try to do things because “people will want it”, I don’t do things, and then I feel awful.
So maybe I’m on to something here… Time will tell, I suppose.
Things of Considerable Worth (Un-missables!)
- There is going to be a Blue Moon in Aquarius this Friday. It is very rare, it happens… once in a Blue Moon (ha!) so make the most of it.
Yay for another log, yay for quiet, gentle joy. Yay for the feeling of “OK, life, it’s cool”.
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