Falling Apart on Purpose


After a couple of days of falling apart on and off, I decided it was time to do it properly.
And fall apart on purpose.

I tidied the room (read: floor), filled a cup with water and grabbed dirty shirt to collect my tears (I knew I was gonna cry). I turned off the lights, put the laptop to sleep, lit a tea light candle on the table… and sat down in front of it, on 2 cushions, while wrapped in a blanket.

And so it began.

Falling apart on purpose

I brought all of the things to the surface, one by one. All the things that are irrevocably “wrong”.

The bills I can’t get off my arse to pay, the bank account with little money in it, the city I don’t want to live in anymore, the flat I don’t like, the accident I had last December, the failure to find a job despite months of searching, the singleness… Oh, the singleness. The lack of a loving partner in my life, with all that it implies.

I cried and cried. And sobbed. And cried some more.
Let all the pain out”. And so I did.

I thought about “thing that is wrong”, then let the story go, blanked my mind and felt the pain.
Stay with the pain, stay with the pain”.

Eventually, this is what came up:
Please God, let me love my life as it is right now, in all its mess and wrongness”.

Ah. Yes.
This is what is needed.

“Please God, grow my heart so I can love my life as it is right now”

I realised I’ve been trying to leave my Present Self “behind”, so I can love and like my “Future Self”, a self who has a much better life, who is wealthier, who lives in comfort, who has a loving partner by her side.

Please God, grow my heart so I can love my life as it is right now… so I might love everyone who is in my current situation. Including myself”.

And so it comes full circle.

No Self Left Behind

I wrote that line a while ago, part of a book that I never finished due to reasons.

I cannot leave my Present Self “behind”, I cannot leave any of my Past “selves” behind.
I must take all of them with me.

That leaves only one option: grow my heart bigger. So I may love the mess and wrongness that is my present life.
Love my Past Self, who did what she could, and brought me here.
Love my Present Self, who does what she can, and who is here.

Grow my heart bigger

I have no idea how to do this, which is why I’m praying and asking “God”.

Grow my heart bigger so that I may have compassion for everything I have been. And everything I am.

And everyone who could be in a similar situation to me.

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