• Stories of my life,  Working with Stuff

    Triggered

    Triggers. They are no fun, to put it *very* mildly. In case you don’t know what a trigger is (like I didn’t) here’s what they look like for me. I see something, or hear something, and all of a sudden a memory of a Horrible Moment in my life shows up and I can’t stop feeling distressed. The memory won’t go away, the distress won’t go away, and I can no longer function. That’s what happens to me “now”. What used to happen, back before I started working with my stuff, is that I would see something I seriously disapproved, I would proceed to lose my marbles completely, the “thing”…

  • Stories of my life,  Working with Stuff

    Return to Innocence

    Note: This post might make no sense. That said, if you are a survivor of sexual trauma, or know of one, you might want to read my story. It happened on my way to work. “One More Day”, from Les Miserables, was playing in my ears. And I suddenly had this realisation: “The Return of Romance”. The belief in Romance rising from the ashes and coming back. Stronger. Wiser. Determined. This may need some explaining… It has to do with my history of trauma. Specifically, my trauma around… sex. (*mouths word like Miranda*) Two kinds of innocence The first, is the innocence of not having known evil. The second, is…

  • Stories of my life

    What do I know about poverty?

    It all begun with this question. “What do you know about poverty, Mary?” You know how people in business sites and self-help sites (which should be one and the same) are always telling you that “people will be attracted to your flaws”? Yeah, I don’t believe it either. I mean, here I am exposing my flaws regularly on this here blog, and… where are all those people who are supposed to be attracted to me again? This is probably my stuff talking. It definitely sounds like my stuff. The whole “people will be attracted to your flaws” feels true. It may not “seem” true, according to my stuff. But it…

  • Live under the New Rules,  Stories of my life

    Tiny Miracle

    Exactly one week ago today, a “Tiny Miracle” took place. It got me thinking about miracles… I’ve always wanted miracles in my life. Always, always. Ever since I was small. I don’t know why. I suppose I wanted the Universe to show up and give me proof that it was on my side. That I wasn’t all alone. That I wasn’t doomed to suffer for all eternity. I wanted proof that the Universe didn’t hate me. It feels like what happened last week was a tiny miracle. I can’t describe it in any other way. I don’t know how it happened. I cannot think what I have done differently for…